March has been some kind of month for me.
I haven't been able to fully process some of it because it all happened incredibly fast.
It started with me having a botched tooth extraction for which I am finally starting to see pain minimize after almost a month. After spending months trying to find a dentist who would accept my insurance I said fuck it and went to a community center (for low income). I went back twice to be given a prescription for a mouthwash and then sent home. I finally gave up with them and paid cash for better treatment. The dentist there found bone fragment and severe abscess. My gums were ripped to shreds and my jaw bruised up. It hurt.
Then, I was met with trying to move out into a bigger home. Many of you know I live in a two bedroom apartment with my two kids. It's getting cramped, but I knew if I could budget right I could afford a better place for all of us.
I found the perfect place. I had to contact the company several times myself, only to find that I had been denied due to a late payment in my rental history. Which also meant I would be denied anywhere else, and I was forced to live in a place smaller than what I am really comfortable with.
The next week I end up totalling my car on the interstate bridge on my way to an appointment for my son in Portland. Even after checking my blindspot multiple times, I still sideswiped a vehicle that came up behind me when I tried to merge. I had to cancel his appointment for obvious reasons and take care of the police report and insurance and all that fun stuff. I left my kids at home with my mom while my dad took me out car shopping (my insurance had already predicted my car to be a total loss as this point).
In three hours I was driving off the lot with a car I didn't expect to own for another year.
The next morning I got a call from a CPS caseworker, asking to speak with me. He alleged that I was being complained about for not taking my son immediately to the hospital after the incident.
-I don't know if anyone knows about what a total loss is, but it doesn't mean some kind of bloody gory scene. It means the value of the damages to my car far exceeded the market value of my car.-
The caseworker needed to set up an interview immediately, so I scheduled for the next day. I absolutely panicked and my anxiety was through the roof. And by the way, who the fuck would actually do this to me?
I told the kids a man would be coming over to visit with us to make them aware. The caseworker came over Wednesday evening and spent about an hour interviewing me and each of my kids individually. The caseworker left telling me he has no concerns and not to expect to hear from him again.
It was absolutely traumatizing for me. I have worked my ass off to better myself as a person and as a parent. My life revolves around my kids. I have them each in multiple extracurricular activities of their choice, I take them to do things and make memories. I l love them and care for them with my whole heart. And it didn't take long for me to figure out who it was, and lose absolute faith and trust.
Between this I'm still juggling phone calls from my insurance, trying to clean out my car and arrange for it to be towed away. The last piece of my previous marriage, caused some interesting emotions. It was the only car my kids ever knew. Isaiah feels very deeply and kept telling me he was sorry I lost my car. But we all love the new one.
That weekend is when COVID began shutting down businesses and schools. Clients had begun asking if it was affecting us at all. No, not really, I would tell them. We are one of the safest places you could be in. Our state has strict laws and rules regarding sanitation and we use a hospital grade disinfectant.
Friday they had announced my son's school to be closed through April 24th. I immediately contacted his father and made arrangements for him and Summer to go there for an indeterminate amount of time. You see, Isaiah has toileting assistance when school is in session. So when school is not in session I have to make special arrangements to make sure he is able to relieve himself. That was not realistic for a six week span of time.
Then I got the news in the middle of my shift on Monday. My coworker was almost in tears in the middle of a haircut. We got to finish out our shift and then were ordered to take all of our personal belongings home.
Thankfully I recieved my settlement for my car as cushion since unemployment supports about half my normal wages and tips.
Meanwhile, I was also trying to cancel a vacation I had been planning for nine months to go to England and Portual. My first real vacation since before I was pregnant with my son eight years ago. It became too risky, but eventually the flights were cancelled anyway.
At this point Washington and Oregon began tightening down on travel and what is considered essential. At this point I had done far more research on COVID and made the executive decision to keep my kids with their father because we feel that is safest for them. My daughter has been hospitalized twice with pneumonia and is constantly sick and bringing her home with me where people have no regard for social distancing just was not an option for me.
My sweet, loving partner has been so supportive and unbelievably patient with my insanity and impulse to scrub the tiles on his floors because it soothes me.
I miss my job. I miss my clients. My coworkers are some of my best friends. I miss having my main creative outlet taken from me.
I miss my kids. It broke my heart talking to them. I wanted to reach through the screen and hug them.
I thrive on routine and this whole experience from top to bottom has been an incredible revelation to myself, to how far I've come in my recovery.
I have been off all meds since January and have been able to remain relatively stable. I don't know how.
I've been wanting to share this with so many people, but I kept waiting on things to get worse, because they did.
And I am so. Tired. Of all the negativity. People in my industry are continuing to run business like it's not actually illegal right now.
Furthermore, clients are demanding our services as if we are above the law in some way.
Behavior like this, is what will keep me and my kids apart for longer.
Traffic jams in the gorge. That is the main vessel I take to pick up my kids and I couldn't even use it right now if I tried to because people are clogging it up.
The moral of this blog is, there has been a lot of darkness, and a lot of silver lining for me. All in rapid succession with no order, no sense.
Right now, slowing down is the best thing so I can finally experience these emotions and live through the trauma of having my life violated and the guilt and the whys. And remaining humble in spite of it.
You see, if I would have gotten approved for the bigger house, I wouldn't be able to afford the car payment I now have. Then I got my settlement for my car right before I was laid off of work. I know I'm fortunate in many ways but mentally I've been drained. So thank you to all those who have been here for me in this time.
If you've read through this whole thing, thanks.
"You can, you should,
and if you're brave enough
to start, you will.
Writing is magic.
As much the water of life
As any creative art.
The water is free.
So drink it up.
Drink it up,
And be filled."
-Ernest Hemingway
I haven't been able to fully process some of it because it all happened incredibly fast.
It started with me having a botched tooth extraction for which I am finally starting to see pain minimize after almost a month. After spending months trying to find a dentist who would accept my insurance I said fuck it and went to a community center (for low income). I went back twice to be given a prescription for a mouthwash and then sent home. I finally gave up with them and paid cash for better treatment. The dentist there found bone fragment and severe abscess. My gums were ripped to shreds and my jaw bruised up. It hurt.
Then, I was met with trying to move out into a bigger home. Many of you know I live in a two bedroom apartment with my two kids. It's getting cramped, but I knew if I could budget right I could afford a better place for all of us.
I found the perfect place. I had to contact the company several times myself, only to find that I had been denied due to a late payment in my rental history. Which also meant I would be denied anywhere else, and I was forced to live in a place smaller than what I am really comfortable with.
The next week I end up totalling my car on the interstate bridge on my way to an appointment for my son in Portland. Even after checking my blindspot multiple times, I still sideswiped a vehicle that came up behind me when I tried to merge. I had to cancel his appointment for obvious reasons and take care of the police report and insurance and all that fun stuff. I left my kids at home with my mom while my dad took me out car shopping (my insurance had already predicted my car to be a total loss as this point).
In three hours I was driving off the lot with a car I didn't expect to own for another year.
The next morning I got a call from a CPS caseworker, asking to speak with me. He alleged that I was being complained about for not taking my son immediately to the hospital after the incident.
-I don't know if anyone knows about what a total loss is, but it doesn't mean some kind of bloody gory scene. It means the value of the damages to my car far exceeded the market value of my car.-
The caseworker needed to set up an interview immediately, so I scheduled for the next day. I absolutely panicked and my anxiety was through the roof. And by the way, who the fuck would actually do this to me?
I told the kids a man would be coming over to visit with us to make them aware. The caseworker came over Wednesday evening and spent about an hour interviewing me and each of my kids individually. The caseworker left telling me he has no concerns and not to expect to hear from him again.
It was absolutely traumatizing for me. I have worked my ass off to better myself as a person and as a parent. My life revolves around my kids. I have them each in multiple extracurricular activities of their choice, I take them to do things and make memories. I l love them and care for them with my whole heart. And it didn't take long for me to figure out who it was, and lose absolute faith and trust.
Between this I'm still juggling phone calls from my insurance, trying to clean out my car and arrange for it to be towed away. The last piece of my previous marriage, caused some interesting emotions. It was the only car my kids ever knew. Isaiah feels very deeply and kept telling me he was sorry I lost my car. But we all love the new one.
That weekend is when COVID began shutting down businesses and schools. Clients had begun asking if it was affecting us at all. No, not really, I would tell them. We are one of the safest places you could be in. Our state has strict laws and rules regarding sanitation and we use a hospital grade disinfectant.
Friday they had announced my son's school to be closed through April 24th. I immediately contacted his father and made arrangements for him and Summer to go there for an indeterminate amount of time. You see, Isaiah has toileting assistance when school is in session. So when school is not in session I have to make special arrangements to make sure he is able to relieve himself. That was not realistic for a six week span of time.
Then I got the news in the middle of my shift on Monday. My coworker was almost in tears in the middle of a haircut. We got to finish out our shift and then were ordered to take all of our personal belongings home.
Thankfully I recieved my settlement for my car as cushion since unemployment supports about half my normal wages and tips.
Meanwhile, I was also trying to cancel a vacation I had been planning for nine months to go to England and Portual. My first real vacation since before I was pregnant with my son eight years ago. It became too risky, but eventually the flights were cancelled anyway.
At this point Washington and Oregon began tightening down on travel and what is considered essential. At this point I had done far more research on COVID and made the executive decision to keep my kids with their father because we feel that is safest for them. My daughter has been hospitalized twice with pneumonia and is constantly sick and bringing her home with me where people have no regard for social distancing just was not an option for me.
My sweet, loving partner has been so supportive and unbelievably patient with my insanity and impulse to scrub the tiles on his floors because it soothes me.
I miss my job. I miss my clients. My coworkers are some of my best friends. I miss having my main creative outlet taken from me.
I miss my kids. It broke my heart talking to them. I wanted to reach through the screen and hug them.
I thrive on routine and this whole experience from top to bottom has been an incredible revelation to myself, to how far I've come in my recovery.
I have been off all meds since January and have been able to remain relatively stable. I don't know how.
I've been wanting to share this with so many people, but I kept waiting on things to get worse, because they did.
And I am so. Tired. Of all the negativity. People in my industry are continuing to run business like it's not actually illegal right now.
Furthermore, clients are demanding our services as if we are above the law in some way.
Behavior like this, is what will keep me and my kids apart for longer.
Traffic jams in the gorge. That is the main vessel I take to pick up my kids and I couldn't even use it right now if I tried to because people are clogging it up.
The moral of this blog is, there has been a lot of darkness, and a lot of silver lining for me. All in rapid succession with no order, no sense.
Right now, slowing down is the best thing so I can finally experience these emotions and live through the trauma of having my life violated and the guilt and the whys. And remaining humble in spite of it.
You see, if I would have gotten approved for the bigger house, I wouldn't be able to afford the car payment I now have. Then I got my settlement for my car right before I was laid off of work. I know I'm fortunate in many ways but mentally I've been drained. So thank you to all those who have been here for me in this time.
If you've read through this whole thing, thanks.
"You can, you should,
and if you're brave enough
to start, you will.
Writing is magic.
As much the water of life
As any creative art.
The water is free.
So drink it up.
Drink it up,
And be filled."
-Ernest Hemingway
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