I spent most of my young adult years thinking I was broken. I struggled to fit in, to have my own identity. I suffered a lot with depression, not really knowing how to handle it.
In my more recent years especially since my separation from my ex husband I have learned that I am not broken. Yes, I have memories of my childhood of a somewhat dysfunctional family. But instead of blaming my problems on my past, I embrace the past and it helps me to understand why I am the way I am today.
All of my romantic relationships have been with fixers. I understand a lot of men are built this way. Naturally when a problem is presented, they want to find the best, easiest, fastest way to solve it. That's great and fine, but does not work for everyone.
See, as I've discovered more about my mental health I have learned how to predict a depressive episode. I tell this to my potential partner(s) and even when presented the information, it still doesn't make sense to them.
Why would you want to feel like that? You know it's going to happen, so why wouldn't you do everything you can to prevent it? Don't you want to be happy?
These are common questions, and good ones. They make a lot of sense. To a normal person.
Do I want to feel depressed? No, I really don't. It's miserable and scary.
Why don't I do what I can to prevent it? Because depression is a wave. It comes and goes. I know it will be back again, and I know it will leave again. And that's kind of comforting.
Don't I want to be happy? Of course. Being depressed doesn't mean I don't have everything in my life that makes me happy. I have my kids, I have a kickass job, I have my own place, I've come so far. I have an amazing support system.
The more self aware I've become, the more important I've realized it is to me, to accept what it is I'm feeling, then release it and let it go. Sometimes I need help dissecting what it is I'm feeling. But I don't try to deny it anymore.
Sometimes thoughts are just thoughts, but many times they stem from something else. And it's my job to figure out what that something else is, so that I can set it free.
I have a lot of friends who also deal with mental health issues and it's refreshing talking to them about this stuff and not feeling like such a freak.
People who don't deal with mental health issues on a daily basis simply don't understand... And that's okay. I think trying to understand other people's issues is overdone. We don't have understand in order to be accepting. We don't have to understand something in order to love.
What we do need to do, is to listen. Listen to gain knowledge. What am I communicating to you? If there is friction, where is the line of misunderstanding, and how can we remedy that?
Communication is everything in every sort of relationship - professional, platonic, romantic.
The most important thing I have learned in the recent past is that I am not broken and I never was. I was just built differently. And for whatever reason, I was given this particular life to live. I wouldn't say I have it all together, or I have it all figured out. But I've learned that some people don't know how not to fix, and it's toxic. They mean well, sure. But when intention does not match perception there will always be a wall there.
The wall that I stand behind, because I don't want to be fixed.
The wall that you talk to because I can't be vulnerable around people who want to fix me.
The wall that divides us because they simply cannot love me for who I am.
With every attempt to fix me or simplify my feelings, the wall grows higher.
And eventually, either one of us walks away or the wall slowly comes down.
I'm a mess, a terrible mess. I have baggage. I have personal stories that have broken thousands of hearts.
But those experiences have helped me to understand how I best cope. The most important part of coping to me, has been to reach out and talk about it when it does happen.
So please know if I tell you "I'm not doing well" it's not a plea to be fixed. It's a reminder that I am different and I need someone who loves me to know that I'm likely going through an episode and just need someone to know. I know in the end it will be okay regardless, because I have been in a position where I had no one to reach out to, or the person I needed was not receptive to my needs. It's going to be okay, I know that. But if I have someone who knows I'm not doing alright, that somehow makes it better. I thank each and every one of my friends and family member who accepts me for the weird, sometimes overly sensitive, but loyal, loving, and compassionate person I am. I love all of you so very much.
And please if you're reading this and you're going through an episode and you just need someone to know or talk to, you can reach out to me.
ig: @notanothersinglemom
"So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that's not what I actually needed.
What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered. I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren't constantly berating yourself for being sad."
-John Green
In my more recent years especially since my separation from my ex husband I have learned that I am not broken. Yes, I have memories of my childhood of a somewhat dysfunctional family. But instead of blaming my problems on my past, I embrace the past and it helps me to understand why I am the way I am today.
All of my romantic relationships have been with fixers. I understand a lot of men are built this way. Naturally when a problem is presented, they want to find the best, easiest, fastest way to solve it. That's great and fine, but does not work for everyone.
See, as I've discovered more about my mental health I have learned how to predict a depressive episode. I tell this to my potential partner(s) and even when presented the information, it still doesn't make sense to them.
Why would you want to feel like that? You know it's going to happen, so why wouldn't you do everything you can to prevent it? Don't you want to be happy?
These are common questions, and good ones. They make a lot of sense. To a normal person.
Do I want to feel depressed? No, I really don't. It's miserable and scary.
Why don't I do what I can to prevent it? Because depression is a wave. It comes and goes. I know it will be back again, and I know it will leave again. And that's kind of comforting.
Don't I want to be happy? Of course. Being depressed doesn't mean I don't have everything in my life that makes me happy. I have my kids, I have a kickass job, I have my own place, I've come so far. I have an amazing support system.
The more self aware I've become, the more important I've realized it is to me, to accept what it is I'm feeling, then release it and let it go. Sometimes I need help dissecting what it is I'm feeling. But I don't try to deny it anymore.
Sometimes thoughts are just thoughts, but many times they stem from something else. And it's my job to figure out what that something else is, so that I can set it free.
I have a lot of friends who also deal with mental health issues and it's refreshing talking to them about this stuff and not feeling like such a freak.
People who don't deal with mental health issues on a daily basis simply don't understand... And that's okay. I think trying to understand other people's issues is overdone. We don't have understand in order to be accepting. We don't have to understand something in order to love.
What we do need to do, is to listen. Listen to gain knowledge. What am I communicating to you? If there is friction, where is the line of misunderstanding, and how can we remedy that?
Communication is everything in every sort of relationship - professional, platonic, romantic.
The most important thing I have learned in the recent past is that I am not broken and I never was. I was just built differently. And for whatever reason, I was given this particular life to live. I wouldn't say I have it all together, or I have it all figured out. But I've learned that some people don't know how not to fix, and it's toxic. They mean well, sure. But when intention does not match perception there will always be a wall there.
The wall that I stand behind, because I don't want to be fixed.
The wall that you talk to because I can't be vulnerable around people who want to fix me.
The wall that divides us because they simply cannot love me for who I am.
With every attempt to fix me or simplify my feelings, the wall grows higher.
And eventually, either one of us walks away or the wall slowly comes down.
I'm a mess, a terrible mess. I have baggage. I have personal stories that have broken thousands of hearts.
But those experiences have helped me to understand how I best cope. The most important part of coping to me, has been to reach out and talk about it when it does happen.
So please know if I tell you "I'm not doing well" it's not a plea to be fixed. It's a reminder that I am different and I need someone who loves me to know that I'm likely going through an episode and just need someone to know. I know in the end it will be okay regardless, because I have been in a position where I had no one to reach out to, or the person I needed was not receptive to my needs. It's going to be okay, I know that. But if I have someone who knows I'm not doing alright, that somehow makes it better. I thank each and every one of my friends and family member who accepts me for the weird, sometimes overly sensitive, but loyal, loving, and compassionate person I am. I love all of you so very much.
And please if you're reading this and you're going through an episode and you just need someone to know or talk to, you can reach out to me.
ig: @notanothersinglemom
"So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that's not what I actually needed.
What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered. I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren't constantly berating yourself for being sad."
-John Green
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