Hello World,
Here I am again, putting my heart on the line.
My name is Haley. I'm a 27 year old single mother of two.
September is a very important month for me and I just haven't been able to put myself into it this year because I've had so much going on in my life. But I need to share my passion; that's my way of being the change in my world.
If you had told me ten years ago that right in this moment that I would be living with my parents for the 50,000th time, I would probably believe you. Had you told me it's because my husband left me and now I'm a single mom, I'd call your bullshit.
Unfortunately, that's exactly how things are.
When I was 17, I had life figured out. I was in beauty school. I had a room up in Mill Creek, WA where I was going to finish out at Paul Mitchell the School and line up a high end career in Seattle, WA. I had it all figured out.
And then I moved to Texas. I went to school for a semester of Business Administration where I was so incredibly bored, I didn't want to waste my time or talent in something I was so uninterested in. Don't get me wrong, the classes were great. But I didn't feel challenged.
I moved back to finish beauty school, and that's when I met him.
After I got out of an incredibly complicated relationship right out of high school, I met the man that would become my husband, and now by the end of the month he'll be my ex husband.
Many people know that my first pregnancy was unplanned.
What most people don't know is that I never wanted kids.
And a lot of people don't know that Tyler and I were broken up when I found out I was pregnant.
We were young and ready to accept the consequences we made for ourselves though.
This, I think, was the beginning of the ultimate end of our relationship.
This was over five years ago.
How could I live in such ignorant bliss for over five years?
I'm welling up just thinking about the blanket of love that covered up our obvious issues.
God, I loved him so much that I was willing to overlook it all.
I resented the fact that I loved him so much. And that's what killed it all.
Resentment: "bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly."
Unfair. That sounds about right.
In the last two years of our relationship, I blamed and blamed and victimized and blamed.
Because I sacrificed so much.
I picked up my things, the last 25 years of my life, to somehow create a better life for our family.
It was nothing like I imagined it would be.
I lived with severe postpartum depression to the point where I hurt myself. I had a plan to kill myself. But I was always talked out of going to the hospital.
I was talked out of a lot of things, talked into a lot of things.
Come to think of it, I let people make most of my decisions for me and then blamed them when I didn't like what happened because of it.
It was so much easier to be unhappy that way.
Instead of owning my responsibility to my own miserable existence, I set everyone else up for failure.
My husband was at the center of it all.
When I came over to Portland for one of our son's medical appointments, I was texting with him as usual, things were light but he was being short.
I asked him what was wrong, and he said it's something he thought should wait until I got home so we could talk about it in person.
I said okay, but after not getting any sleep, and being anxious all day I insisted on talking about it.
He said he was trying not to feel the way he had been feeling.
What does that even mean? I'm pretty sure I know what that means.
He felt happier when I was gone.
He felt more like himself.
Okay, so a separation? Can we do counseling?
No, he wants a divorce.
What about the children?
They'll be okay. Maybe not now, but they'll be okay.
What about ME?
You'll be fine. I know you'll be fine, and this will be better for both of us.
Well, that's really easy for you to say considering this is exactly what you want.
God, how did we get here?
And then I go back.
To five years ago, when we said "Screw it, I guess we should try to work things out since we're making a child together."
And then I realize, the only person I should be blaming is myself.
I am the only person that I have control over.
And the more I tried to control the situation at hand, the more I seemed to be losing control.
There is so much pain in letting go, in setting yourself free, in picturing a new future.
But there is so much beauty to find there.
Under the blanket of love, I realized there were a lot of times I was put down for wanting to do something that my husband had no interest in doing.
I was told there was no point in doing those things.
So once I realized that we were never getting back together (which was right about the moment I found out he had a girlfriend) I raised the biggest middle finger by doing the things I had missed out on while we were together.
It's now been over five months since we've separated and our divorce is nearly final.
My only hope is that I can touch the lives of other women or men who are in my situation and encourage not only them, but myself. Because some days I still fall apart.
"Sometimes, I'm the mess.
Sometimes, I'm the broom.
On the hardest days,
I have to be both."
-Rudy Francisco.
Here I am again, putting my heart on the line.
My name is Haley. I'm a 27 year old single mother of two.
September is a very important month for me and I just haven't been able to put myself into it this year because I've had so much going on in my life. But I need to share my passion; that's my way of being the change in my world.
If you had told me ten years ago that right in this moment that I would be living with my parents for the 50,000th time, I would probably believe you. Had you told me it's because my husband left me and now I'm a single mom, I'd call your bullshit.
Unfortunately, that's exactly how things are.
When I was 17, I had life figured out. I was in beauty school. I had a room up in Mill Creek, WA where I was going to finish out at Paul Mitchell the School and line up a high end career in Seattle, WA. I had it all figured out.
And then I moved to Texas. I went to school for a semester of Business Administration where I was so incredibly bored, I didn't want to waste my time or talent in something I was so uninterested in. Don't get me wrong, the classes were great. But I didn't feel challenged.
I moved back to finish beauty school, and that's when I met him.
After I got out of an incredibly complicated relationship right out of high school, I met the man that would become my husband, and now by the end of the month he'll be my ex husband.
Many people know that my first pregnancy was unplanned.
What most people don't know is that I never wanted kids.
And a lot of people don't know that Tyler and I were broken up when I found out I was pregnant.
We were young and ready to accept the consequences we made for ourselves though.
This, I think, was the beginning of the ultimate end of our relationship.
This was over five years ago.
How could I live in such ignorant bliss for over five years?
I'm welling up just thinking about the blanket of love that covered up our obvious issues.
God, I loved him so much that I was willing to overlook it all.
I resented the fact that I loved him so much. And that's what killed it all.
Resentment: "bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly."
Unfair. That sounds about right.
In the last two years of our relationship, I blamed and blamed and victimized and blamed.
Because I sacrificed so much.
I picked up my things, the last 25 years of my life, to somehow create a better life for our family.
It was nothing like I imagined it would be.
I lived with severe postpartum depression to the point where I hurt myself. I had a plan to kill myself. But I was always talked out of going to the hospital.
I was talked out of a lot of things, talked into a lot of things.
Come to think of it, I let people make most of my decisions for me and then blamed them when I didn't like what happened because of it.
It was so much easier to be unhappy that way.
Instead of owning my responsibility to my own miserable existence, I set everyone else up for failure.
My husband was at the center of it all.
When I came over to Portland for one of our son's medical appointments, I was texting with him as usual, things were light but he was being short.
I asked him what was wrong, and he said it's something he thought should wait until I got home so we could talk about it in person.
I said okay, but after not getting any sleep, and being anxious all day I insisted on talking about it.
He said he was trying not to feel the way he had been feeling.
What does that even mean? I'm pretty sure I know what that means.
He felt happier when I was gone.
He felt more like himself.
Okay, so a separation? Can we do counseling?
No, he wants a divorce.
What about the children?
They'll be okay. Maybe not now, but they'll be okay.
What about ME?
You'll be fine. I know you'll be fine, and this will be better for both of us.
Well, that's really easy for you to say considering this is exactly what you want.
God, how did we get here?
And then I go back.
To five years ago, when we said "Screw it, I guess we should try to work things out since we're making a child together."
And then I realize, the only person I should be blaming is myself.
I am the only person that I have control over.
And the more I tried to control the situation at hand, the more I seemed to be losing control.
There is so much pain in letting go, in setting yourself free, in picturing a new future.
But there is so much beauty to find there.
Under the blanket of love, I realized there were a lot of times I was put down for wanting to do something that my husband had no interest in doing.
I was told there was no point in doing those things.
So once I realized that we were never getting back together (which was right about the moment I found out he had a girlfriend) I raised the biggest middle finger by doing the things I had missed out on while we were together.
It's now been over five months since we've separated and our divorce is nearly final.
My only hope is that I can touch the lives of other women or men who are in my situation and encourage not only them, but myself. Because some days I still fall apart.
"Sometimes, I'm the mess.
Sometimes, I'm the broom.
On the hardest days,
I have to be both."
-Rudy Francisco.
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