This year-end is not just the end of 2019. It is the end of a decade, the end of my 20s. Bring that shit on, because my 20s were an absolute dumpster fire.
I got into a relationship I didn't want to be in, fucked up all of my career plans and everything else that followed.
All because I had no boundaries.
But I'm finally standing up for myself and the next decade is going to kick ass.
Before I go on about my accomplishments for the year, I want to do some reflecting and be honest.
I don't remember a lot of my early 20s simply from the traumas I went through including childbirth. Without looking at pictures of Summer or Isaiah as infants, I wouldn't remember their first two years at all.
I was isolated and miserable.
I missed out on so much and blamed it on other people because I let someone control me.
I purchased a set of four ski passes to a resort that I lived less than 20 miles from in eastern Oregon and never got to go because I wasn't allowed to go. I never went hiking because I wasn't allowed.
All I can say is, my greatest loss of this decade, was in fact my greatest gain.
I lost myself, but I gained that back and so much more.
I dated and broke up and gave my heart equally, always believing the person who deserves it will accept it.
As I was doing more research on healing from trauma, my avoidant behavior, and abandonment, I took a deeper look back on my life again.
In high school I had a best friend who was a male. We connected through mutual friends and eventually became inseperable. We went to youth group together. He took me to my first punk show at the Paris. He was with me when I got drunk for the first time. He was the only person I could cry in front of. We would talk for hours and hours. Sometimes we would sit there in silence. He took me on a four day backpacking trip with his extended family in Yosemite National Park.
He told me sometime between high school and adulthood that he had loved me.
I asked him why he never told me, and he said he knew I would never go for a guy like him. And if being friends was the only way to be in my life then he was going to take that.
Although he told me he loved me, I never put much value to that. Because all the men that told me they loved me before didn't take the time to learn my love language. Because I didn't know what love really was.
Then I met Beniah, and my life turned upside down. I had just been broken up with by another coward over the phone and a few days later I asked Ben out myself. I told him I'm in a weird place in my life and I'd like to take things slow but I couldn't not just see where things went.
Things have gone to a place I never imagined. I feel 15 again, going to concerts and driving looking at Christmas lights and kissing in the snow.
Ben has been the most patient man, showing me the love that my high school best friend showed me. Showing me love in a way that I need.
So thank you, if you ever read this, you will know who you are, for showing me the love I deserved, even if it took me 15 years to figure out.
2019 has been the greatest final year to my third decade I could have imagined. Although I still struggle with my mental health, I am positive it will get figured out and am in fact seeing a naturopath next week to try to get it straightened out.
I also overcame one of my worst fears, going to the dentist. After being turned away from nine dentists that supposedly took my insurance, I resorted to finding one in another county. (Fuck our healthcare system).
One symptom or side effect (depending on how you look at it) of mental illness is poor hygiene. There were a lot of other factors that broke my trust in the dentist, like the wrong tooth getting filled at one point. I hadn't been to one in several years and consequently have to have two extracted and two additional root canals. But I'm doing it now because I care about myself. I love myself, and I deserve to feel good about myself. And this is the last thing standing in my way of that.
Finally, I left one job earlier this year. I was so torn about it because I really loved the job. But as a single mom of a special needs child and a child who is just sick all the time, I quickly realized that a regular 9-5 job where people depend heavily on me, is not realistic. It's just not in my cards.
That forced me to be even more uncomfortable and get back into doing hair after four years being dormant. I needed a job with flexibility and coverage when I needed it. And my work pulled through with open arms. I am so happy to be back with the Great Clips Franchise I started with in 2012 and have even picked up some old clients of mine. I love walking into work and knowing that I'm going to get to make people smile, because of my art and talent.
So bring it on, tooth snatcher.
Bring it on, 2020.
Bring. It. On.
"It's never too late to be who you might have been."
-George Eliot
I got into a relationship I didn't want to be in, fucked up all of my career plans and everything else that followed.
All because I had no boundaries.
But I'm finally standing up for myself and the next decade is going to kick ass.
Before I go on about my accomplishments for the year, I want to do some reflecting and be honest.
I don't remember a lot of my early 20s simply from the traumas I went through including childbirth. Without looking at pictures of Summer or Isaiah as infants, I wouldn't remember their first two years at all.
I was isolated and miserable.
I missed out on so much and blamed it on other people because I let someone control me.
I purchased a set of four ski passes to a resort that I lived less than 20 miles from in eastern Oregon and never got to go because I wasn't allowed to go. I never went hiking because I wasn't allowed.
All I can say is, my greatest loss of this decade, was in fact my greatest gain.
I lost myself, but I gained that back and so much more.
I dated and broke up and gave my heart equally, always believing the person who deserves it will accept it.
As I was doing more research on healing from trauma, my avoidant behavior, and abandonment, I took a deeper look back on my life again.
In high school I had a best friend who was a male. We connected through mutual friends and eventually became inseperable. We went to youth group together. He took me to my first punk show at the Paris. He was with me when I got drunk for the first time. He was the only person I could cry in front of. We would talk for hours and hours. Sometimes we would sit there in silence. He took me on a four day backpacking trip with his extended family in Yosemite National Park.
He told me sometime between high school and adulthood that he had loved me.
I asked him why he never told me, and he said he knew I would never go for a guy like him. And if being friends was the only way to be in my life then he was going to take that.
Although he told me he loved me, I never put much value to that. Because all the men that told me they loved me before didn't take the time to learn my love language. Because I didn't know what love really was.
Then I met Beniah, and my life turned upside down. I had just been broken up with by another coward over the phone and a few days later I asked Ben out myself. I told him I'm in a weird place in my life and I'd like to take things slow but I couldn't not just see where things went.
Things have gone to a place I never imagined. I feel 15 again, going to concerts and driving looking at Christmas lights and kissing in the snow.
Ben has been the most patient man, showing me the love that my high school best friend showed me. Showing me love in a way that I need.
So thank you, if you ever read this, you will know who you are, for showing me the love I deserved, even if it took me 15 years to figure out.
2019 has been the greatest final year to my third decade I could have imagined. Although I still struggle with my mental health, I am positive it will get figured out and am in fact seeing a naturopath next week to try to get it straightened out.
I also overcame one of my worst fears, going to the dentist. After being turned away from nine dentists that supposedly took my insurance, I resorted to finding one in another county. (Fuck our healthcare system).
One symptom or side effect (depending on how you look at it) of mental illness is poor hygiene. There were a lot of other factors that broke my trust in the dentist, like the wrong tooth getting filled at one point. I hadn't been to one in several years and consequently have to have two extracted and two additional root canals. But I'm doing it now because I care about myself. I love myself, and I deserve to feel good about myself. And this is the last thing standing in my way of that.
Finally, I left one job earlier this year. I was so torn about it because I really loved the job. But as a single mom of a special needs child and a child who is just sick all the time, I quickly realized that a regular 9-5 job where people depend heavily on me, is not realistic. It's just not in my cards.
That forced me to be even more uncomfortable and get back into doing hair after four years being dormant. I needed a job with flexibility and coverage when I needed it. And my work pulled through with open arms. I am so happy to be back with the Great Clips Franchise I started with in 2012 and have even picked up some old clients of mine. I love walking into work and knowing that I'm going to get to make people smile, because of my art and talent.
So bring it on, tooth snatcher.
Bring it on, 2020.
Bring. It. On.
"It's never too late to be who you might have been."
-George Eliot
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