On April 17, 2017 I decided I needed some kind of radical change. My now ex-husband had told me he was happier without me there, and that he wanted a divorce. I remembered from several years earlier after a break with my first codependent relationship, that a friend had recommended Codependents Anonymous. I didn't even know what codependency was at the time, but I was desperate to get my husband back and wanted to try anything and everything.
What I've learned in the last two years, is the following:
- I have so much more power than I was ever aware of.
I never really made a decision for myself. T and I got together when I was 18 and I never knew what independence was like. Especially as a stay-at-home-mom with severe PPD I never felt like I had my own decisions to make. My life revolved around my kids.
I was never put on my exes bank account, so I never saw where the money was going. I make less now than he did before, paying more in rent than we did before, and yet somehow I still am able to pay all of my bills. When I was married, we had to decide which bill to skip that month because somehow we always came up short. As a single woman I've been able to create my own budget, and when I come up short I know how to adjust.
I became debt free in March, with one exception which was a shared phone bill that my ex and I didn't pay several years ago. I own my own car, I paid off all of our shared credit cards, and the only bills I have left are utilities. (For the purpose of context, I do wish I would have fought back in the divorce to get these bills split in half but that's another story.)
- The partnership rules the household.
One thing my ex-husband and I never agreed on was whether the marriage came first, or the children came first. He believed they came first, and I believed we should put the marriage first. We hardly dated. And when we did, it was as a family.
-Love languages are a thing.
This is in everyday relationships as well as romantic relationships. I've taken several courses over the years through various corporations and even college, how to deal with different personality types, but I never really considered bringing them into my personal life. Have you ever taken one of those personality tests and figured out what type of person you are? If so, have you researched the other personality types? Those descriptions aren't there just to read. They are there, so we can study them and use them to get along with these other personality types. In customer service it's extremely important for me to know how to handle different personality types. Not only to handle them, but how to communicate effectively. The most common relationship advice I hear is that "Communication is key." And that is so true. But communication doesn't always mean talking; communication can be body language, it can be gifts or physical touch. All of these things communicate something but if that is not the other partner's love language, they will not understand it or accept it as it is intended. This is probably one of the most important things I have learned, and certainly one of the biggest issues that happened in my marriage.
-Compromise doesn't mean sacrifice.
Another important lesson I've learned is the magic of boundaries. True love will never expect you to change. Compromise was always an issue in my marriage, but it seemed as though I was the one always giving in. It got to an unhealthy point where I didn't bother putting up a fight anymore, or just learned to expect that whatever I said was going to be ignored. I didn't know what boundaries were so I didn't have anything to enforce. I gave up everything I ever wanted to be to try to prove my love. But that wasn't love at all. That was codependency.
-There is such thing as a healthy partnership.
I have dated A LOT, admittedly, since my split. It's something I never really did when I was younger because T and I met so early and I fell into the trap of love bombing. I was enamoured by the showering of gifts and how good looking he was. But it was never a partnership. There was no his and mine, everything was "ours" and it was toxic. Because when we split, I didn't have anything that was mine. I didn't even have myself. I had to completely discover myself again. I found the magic of my Inner Child and True Self and that is a lifelong journey that I look forward to travelling every day now.
- I have rights.
It's actually kind of interesting seeing my memories pop up on social media. I thought T and I were doing better than ever in the months leading up to our split. But it turns out, I was doing better and he was remaining the same. And even yet - he remains the same. No his life is not of my concern anymore, but it directly affects how my children act and how they will see him in the future. And all I can do is hope for the best for him. The thing about (suspected) covert narcissists is that nothing they are doing is ever wrong and it's also never their fault if it is wrong. This goes along with compromise. When my ex was pulled over for doing excessive speeds and evading the police, he said he ran because he was afraid I was going to be mad at him for not getting his motorcycle endorsement because I had been trying to reason with him for over a year to get him to apply for it. A simple small fee and written exam is all it would have taken. But then somehow it became my fault. I tried leaving then, but I agreed to try to make things work but that I would need to see serious changes in order for things to work... and I still ended up being the one who was left. Because I didn't set clear boundaries, so I had nothing to uphold. I was weak. I've learned now to speak up when something bothers me, and especially knowing now that I have no obligation to stay with someone because we made legal promises to each other, or because we share crotch goblins, I am not afraid to say thank you, next. I know what I deserve. I know how hard I work. I may not know exactly what I want, but I do know what I don't want and that's more than I knew before.
The fact is, my two years in recovery has taught me about life, and about love. The knowledge is endless. The sky is the limit. I have been so thankful for this program and will continue to help out those I can, if my mental well being allows it.
The absolute most important thing I have learned, is that I am responsible for myself and my feelings. The other day I was in a deep, dark depression and I messaged everyone I could think of that could bring me out of it and unfortunately none of them were available. (Side note - if you've ever told me you'd be there no matter what, please don't feel ignored.) But I fought through it. Between the intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideations I remembered that these episodes happen and they will not last forever. It took a week or two for it to pass, but it did pass, and it always does. I've learned not to use excuses. I've learned to take responsibility for myself and my actions. I am my worst enemy, but I am also my greatest advocate and motivation to do better.
I've learned that anyone who doesn't have patience for me has no place in my life.
I am a constant work in progress and anyone who thinks they have it all figured out can feel free to go fly a kite.
I've learned that toxic positivity is a thing and I may have been guilty of it from time to time. But I've also learned to stop giving advice unless prompted - which is hard for me because I have always been the advice guru. But the fact is, sometimes I'm not in a place to give advice. Sometimes my advice is not accepted well and I have to own that.
I've learned that someone else's thoughts about me do not reflect my value. In my self-exploration came some irresponsible activities - most were fun, some I look back on and think what a dumbass I was, but it was all a part of my learning experience and you can either look at these moments as a lesson or a regret. The only difference between the two is your attitude about it.
I have had this blog up and running now for over a year and a half and I'm so thankful if it has touched even one life.
My life is basically a series of unfortunate events but I don't let that keep me from loving fiercely and treating every human the same until they prove to me they deserve otherwise.
CoDA taught me that. I am capable of loving, and being loved. Not only am I capable, but I deserve to love, and be loved, if only by myself.
I truly appreciate all of your support on this journey of mine and hope this inspires those just beginning that it does get better, but it does not happen on accident. Recovery is hard. Recovery is effort, time, lots of tears, and commitment. But recovery is worth it. YOU are worth it.
"There is no shame in beginning again,
for you get a chance to build bigger
and better than before."
-Unknown
What I've learned in the last two years, is the following:
- I have so much more power than I was ever aware of.
I never really made a decision for myself. T and I got together when I was 18 and I never knew what independence was like. Especially as a stay-at-home-mom with severe PPD I never felt like I had my own decisions to make. My life revolved around my kids.
I was never put on my exes bank account, so I never saw where the money was going. I make less now than he did before, paying more in rent than we did before, and yet somehow I still am able to pay all of my bills. When I was married, we had to decide which bill to skip that month because somehow we always came up short. As a single woman I've been able to create my own budget, and when I come up short I know how to adjust.
I became debt free in March, with one exception which was a shared phone bill that my ex and I didn't pay several years ago. I own my own car, I paid off all of our shared credit cards, and the only bills I have left are utilities. (For the purpose of context, I do wish I would have fought back in the divorce to get these bills split in half but that's another story.)
- The partnership rules the household.
One thing my ex-husband and I never agreed on was whether the marriage came first, or the children came first. He believed they came first, and I believed we should put the marriage first. We hardly dated. And when we did, it was as a family.
-Love languages are a thing.
This is in everyday relationships as well as romantic relationships. I've taken several courses over the years through various corporations and even college, how to deal with different personality types, but I never really considered bringing them into my personal life. Have you ever taken one of those personality tests and figured out what type of person you are? If so, have you researched the other personality types? Those descriptions aren't there just to read. They are there, so we can study them and use them to get along with these other personality types. In customer service it's extremely important for me to know how to handle different personality types. Not only to handle them, but how to communicate effectively. The most common relationship advice I hear is that "Communication is key." And that is so true. But communication doesn't always mean talking; communication can be body language, it can be gifts or physical touch. All of these things communicate something but if that is not the other partner's love language, they will not understand it or accept it as it is intended. This is probably one of the most important things I have learned, and certainly one of the biggest issues that happened in my marriage.
-Compromise doesn't mean sacrifice.
Another important lesson I've learned is the magic of boundaries. True love will never expect you to change. Compromise was always an issue in my marriage, but it seemed as though I was the one always giving in. It got to an unhealthy point where I didn't bother putting up a fight anymore, or just learned to expect that whatever I said was going to be ignored. I didn't know what boundaries were so I didn't have anything to enforce. I gave up everything I ever wanted to be to try to prove my love. But that wasn't love at all. That was codependency.
-There is such thing as a healthy partnership.
I have dated A LOT, admittedly, since my split. It's something I never really did when I was younger because T and I met so early and I fell into the trap of love bombing. I was enamoured by the showering of gifts and how good looking he was. But it was never a partnership. There was no his and mine, everything was "ours" and it was toxic. Because when we split, I didn't have anything that was mine. I didn't even have myself. I had to completely discover myself again. I found the magic of my Inner Child and True Self and that is a lifelong journey that I look forward to travelling every day now.
- I have rights.
It's actually kind of interesting seeing my memories pop up on social media. I thought T and I were doing better than ever in the months leading up to our split. But it turns out, I was doing better and he was remaining the same. And even yet - he remains the same. No his life is not of my concern anymore, but it directly affects how my children act and how they will see him in the future. And all I can do is hope for the best for him. The thing about (suspected) covert narcissists is that nothing they are doing is ever wrong and it's also never their fault if it is wrong. This goes along with compromise. When my ex was pulled over for doing excessive speeds and evading the police, he said he ran because he was afraid I was going to be mad at him for not getting his motorcycle endorsement because I had been trying to reason with him for over a year to get him to apply for it. A simple small fee and written exam is all it would have taken. But then somehow it became my fault. I tried leaving then, but I agreed to try to make things work but that I would need to see serious changes in order for things to work... and I still ended up being the one who was left. Because I didn't set clear boundaries, so I had nothing to uphold. I was weak. I've learned now to speak up when something bothers me, and especially knowing now that I have no obligation to stay with someone because we made legal promises to each other, or because we share crotch goblins, I am not afraid to say thank you, next. I know what I deserve. I know how hard I work. I may not know exactly what I want, but I do know what I don't want and that's more than I knew before.
The fact is, my two years in recovery has taught me about life, and about love. The knowledge is endless. The sky is the limit. I have been so thankful for this program and will continue to help out those I can, if my mental well being allows it.
The absolute most important thing I have learned, is that I am responsible for myself and my feelings. The other day I was in a deep, dark depression and I messaged everyone I could think of that could bring me out of it and unfortunately none of them were available. (Side note - if you've ever told me you'd be there no matter what, please don't feel ignored.) But I fought through it. Between the intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideations I remembered that these episodes happen and they will not last forever. It took a week or two for it to pass, but it did pass, and it always does. I've learned not to use excuses. I've learned to take responsibility for myself and my actions. I am my worst enemy, but I am also my greatest advocate and motivation to do better.
I've learned that anyone who doesn't have patience for me has no place in my life.
I am a constant work in progress and anyone who thinks they have it all figured out can feel free to go fly a kite.
I've learned that toxic positivity is a thing and I may have been guilty of it from time to time. But I've also learned to stop giving advice unless prompted - which is hard for me because I have always been the advice guru. But the fact is, sometimes I'm not in a place to give advice. Sometimes my advice is not accepted well and I have to own that.
I've learned that someone else's thoughts about me do not reflect my value. In my self-exploration came some irresponsible activities - most were fun, some I look back on and think what a dumbass I was, but it was all a part of my learning experience and you can either look at these moments as a lesson or a regret. The only difference between the two is your attitude about it.
I have had this blog up and running now for over a year and a half and I'm so thankful if it has touched even one life.
My life is basically a series of unfortunate events but I don't let that keep me from loving fiercely and treating every human the same until they prove to me they deserve otherwise.
CoDA taught me that. I am capable of loving, and being loved. Not only am I capable, but I deserve to love, and be loved, if only by myself.
I truly appreciate all of your support on this journey of mine and hope this inspires those just beginning that it does get better, but it does not happen on accident. Recovery is hard. Recovery is effort, time, lots of tears, and commitment. But recovery is worth it. YOU are worth it.
"There is no shame in beginning again,
for you get a chance to build bigger
and better than before."
-Unknown
I've been reading your posts on and off since you shared the link last night. I greatly appreciate you sharing your story. Thank you
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