Hello and Happy New Year to my followers!
For a little while there wasn't much to speak of, but it seems like there have been a lot of little things happening in the last few weeks and it is my due diligence to share with all of you, obviously.
This post might jump around a lot, so bare with me.
Firstly, holy crap! 10,000 views. Thank you to my faithful followers, and my new readers as well!
The second thing I'd like to bring up (and if you follow my IG account, you already know; if you don't, @notanothersinglemom) is that I have made the decision to drop out of school.
When I enrolled in school, I had found stability, confidence, motivation, support, and managed my time well enough that I knew I could start school and still prioritize, above all, being a mom.
That was five months ago now, and a lot has changed in five months. My kids started at new daycares and new schools, which is great! They are absolutely flourishing. Isaiah is meeting his IEP goals, and Summer is exceeding expectations, and is well advanced for her age.
They are both incredibly intelligent. That being said, they are both developing rapidly now more than ever. I see emotions coming from them that I have never seen before in a child. I see their pain, their confusion, their frustration. Frustration from not being able to properly express these emotions. They see that their mom and dad are not living together. They see their mom and dad are not romantically involved. They go between the two houses, where the lifestyle is completely different at each home. They see their dad working all day while their stepmom takes care of them. And then they come home to their mom's where they are the majority of the time, and are confused as to why mom has to take them to daycare for long days, and then mom comes home and has to do her own homework.
I watch them watch me. And I get confused and frustrated, too. Because I don't know how to help them understand their thoughts and feelings. I don't know how to help them when they are acting out. What I do know, is they require more attention from me than what they have been getting. For me, yes this was a difficult decision but through everything I have learned that stepping back does not make you a failure. Stepping back from something that is making your life harder, is self-care. When my life is becoming so stressful I'm screwing up the smallest things at my new job, I stress out what I'm going to fuck up next. Because this week was just one thing on top of the other.
When I came out about dropping out of school I felt a weight lifted. Right now my role as a mother is so much more important than advancing in my career. I can always pick up where I left off. Even if it means losing scholarships, losing funding, owing back money I basically got for free. None of that is worth losing my sanity. None of that is worth watching my kids suffer because I can't be there for them.
Isaiah is in his first year of public school and he is in a gen-ed classroom because the majority of his IEP goals were social-emotional. He is doing amazing. However, he is very aware of his differences. I was dancing with him in the kitchen the other day, and he said "I wish I could bend my knees like that." And my heart just breaks a little every time he says something like that. But with a smile on my face I said "You don't have to bend your knees to dance and have fun! See?" as I adjusted my movements to only the upper half of my body. But the look on his face didn't show satisfaction. Thus, I have also opted to get him into counseling, which his dad and most people in his life agreed is best for him right now.
The second thing I'm talking about today is very weird for me. And a little uncomfortable. In April I will be two years post-separation, 18 months post-divorce. A few weeks ago I re-downloaded Tinder after a failed attempt to rekindle things with an ex, and after regaining my strength post-narcissist breakup, which literally sucked the life out of me. I matched with several men, some I talked to, some I didn't. One I made a date with, went out with, we had great conversation for several hours but at the end of the night I did not feel genuine. He was a great conversationalist and very intelligent, very handsome, but the chemistry was not there for me. But I got myself back out there again, and that felt pretty good.
So a couple more weeks go by and I find someone I know, or had known in the past. Someone I didn't expect at all to find again in my lifetime. Someone I feel a different kind of connection with, even when we knew each other before it was there. Some people you may find you have undeniable chemistry with, and this was one of them. So here's the catch: I'm not the "other woman," however, I know how she feels because I dealt with that almost two years ago and it's a very odd position to be in. It's hard not to feel bad sometimes, but I am not the cause of whatever it is she is going through so that's not something I should feel bad for.
I think one of the most important lessons I learned through recovery is to let go and detach yourself from other people's feelings and drama. I am responsible for my feelings, you are responsible for yours. Once I put that into practice, my life got much simpler and decisions like dropping out of school became easier. I know I will always have people disagreeing with me, and that's fine because in a world of literally billions of people, they are not all going to like me. It's stupid to think otherwise. I'm not going to waste my time trying to change their minds. I'm going to spend my time on earth wisely, practicing what I believe in and making sure my kids are getting the love and attention they deserve. Being a single mom has made me more closed off in a lot of ways, but has made me softer in a lot of ways, too.
"Water is fluid, soft and yielding
but water will wear away rock,
which is rigid and cannot yield.
What is soft is strong."
-Lao Tau
For a little while there wasn't much to speak of, but it seems like there have been a lot of little things happening in the last few weeks and it is my due diligence to share with all of you, obviously.
This post might jump around a lot, so bare with me.
Firstly, holy crap! 10,000 views. Thank you to my faithful followers, and my new readers as well!
The second thing I'd like to bring up (and if you follow my IG account, you already know; if you don't, @notanothersinglemom) is that I have made the decision to drop out of school.
When I enrolled in school, I had found stability, confidence, motivation, support, and managed my time well enough that I knew I could start school and still prioritize, above all, being a mom.
That was five months ago now, and a lot has changed in five months. My kids started at new daycares and new schools, which is great! They are absolutely flourishing. Isaiah is meeting his IEP goals, and Summer is exceeding expectations, and is well advanced for her age.
They are both incredibly intelligent. That being said, they are both developing rapidly now more than ever. I see emotions coming from them that I have never seen before in a child. I see their pain, their confusion, their frustration. Frustration from not being able to properly express these emotions. They see that their mom and dad are not living together. They see their mom and dad are not romantically involved. They go between the two houses, where the lifestyle is completely different at each home. They see their dad working all day while their stepmom takes care of them. And then they come home to their mom's where they are the majority of the time, and are confused as to why mom has to take them to daycare for long days, and then mom comes home and has to do her own homework.
I watch them watch me. And I get confused and frustrated, too. Because I don't know how to help them understand their thoughts and feelings. I don't know how to help them when they are acting out. What I do know, is they require more attention from me than what they have been getting. For me, yes this was a difficult decision but through everything I have learned that stepping back does not make you a failure. Stepping back from something that is making your life harder, is self-care. When my life is becoming so stressful I'm screwing up the smallest things at my new job, I stress out what I'm going to fuck up next. Because this week was just one thing on top of the other.
When I came out about dropping out of school I felt a weight lifted. Right now my role as a mother is so much more important than advancing in my career. I can always pick up where I left off. Even if it means losing scholarships, losing funding, owing back money I basically got for free. None of that is worth losing my sanity. None of that is worth watching my kids suffer because I can't be there for them.
Isaiah is in his first year of public school and he is in a gen-ed classroom because the majority of his IEP goals were social-emotional. He is doing amazing. However, he is very aware of his differences. I was dancing with him in the kitchen the other day, and he said "I wish I could bend my knees like that." And my heart just breaks a little every time he says something like that. But with a smile on my face I said "You don't have to bend your knees to dance and have fun! See?" as I adjusted my movements to only the upper half of my body. But the look on his face didn't show satisfaction. Thus, I have also opted to get him into counseling, which his dad and most people in his life agreed is best for him right now.
The second thing I'm talking about today is very weird for me. And a little uncomfortable. In April I will be two years post-separation, 18 months post-divorce. A few weeks ago I re-downloaded Tinder after a failed attempt to rekindle things with an ex, and after regaining my strength post-narcissist breakup, which literally sucked the life out of me. I matched with several men, some I talked to, some I didn't. One I made a date with, went out with, we had great conversation for several hours but at the end of the night I did not feel genuine. He was a great conversationalist and very intelligent, very handsome, but the chemistry was not there for me. But I got myself back out there again, and that felt pretty good.
So a couple more weeks go by and I find someone I know, or had known in the past. Someone I didn't expect at all to find again in my lifetime. Someone I feel a different kind of connection with, even when we knew each other before it was there. Some people you may find you have undeniable chemistry with, and this was one of them. So here's the catch: I'm not the "other woman," however, I know how she feels because I dealt with that almost two years ago and it's a very odd position to be in. It's hard not to feel bad sometimes, but I am not the cause of whatever it is she is going through so that's not something I should feel bad for.
I think one of the most important lessons I learned through recovery is to let go and detach yourself from other people's feelings and drama. I am responsible for my feelings, you are responsible for yours. Once I put that into practice, my life got much simpler and decisions like dropping out of school became easier. I know I will always have people disagreeing with me, and that's fine because in a world of literally billions of people, they are not all going to like me. It's stupid to think otherwise. I'm not going to waste my time trying to change their minds. I'm going to spend my time on earth wisely, practicing what I believe in and making sure my kids are getting the love and attention they deserve. Being a single mom has made me more closed off in a lot of ways, but has made me softer in a lot of ways, too.
"Water is fluid, soft and yielding
but water will wear away rock,
which is rigid and cannot yield.
What is soft is strong."
-Lao Tau
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