I didn't even realize that today is the first anniversary of my divorce. My divorceaversary?
One year ago, my ex and I met up on a normal Friday in Biggs, Oregon. I handed him Summer, who had taken an epic dump in her diaper on the way there. He says "Well, I guess the divorce is final as of today.
I said "Should we high five?"
And I was shut down by him for the last time.
He put Summer on the hood of his truck and started changing her, while gagging, as per usual.
"Wow, you never helped that much even when we were married." /sarcasm
Him: "............"
I drove back that night and met up with a Tinder date who I would end up together with for the next six months.
I accomplished a lot with the satisfaction of knowing I was officially divorced, and being able to move on with my life. Not to say that things got any easier after, because in fact they got worse. Regrets and resentment happened. Horrible rumors being spread about me.
Here's what I've accomplished since then:
1. I've learned how to manage my anxiety. This is my biggest feat to date because my anxiety got so bad that I stayed up for days on end, my weight and appetite fluctuating.
2. I learned how to deal with narcissists. This is a close second to my anxiety, because learning how to ignore threats and not be afraid anymore was a very hard lesson to learn. Recognizing red flags, being able to separate emotion from logic, responding vs. reacting. It came in handy with my last relationship, and continues to be helpful in every day life.
3. I moved out on my own. I spent the first year of separation living with my parents. When they decided to move to Idaho, I had gotten my tax return and figured it was good timing anyway. I was finally caught up on my bills and began budgeting and I couldn't be more proud of my home even though it's just an apartment.
4. I caught up on my bills and built my credit back up. When we first separated, I had been a stay at home mom. He was paying my bills, and to my dissatisfaction he stopped paying anything of mine and insisted he didn't owe me a dime until the papers were final. My credit tanked into the low 400s. Most of my credit cards were closed or sent to collections. My car was in danger of being repossessed (they had agents out taking pictures of my car and asking if I was home). I was at a financial and mental low. I was at a 720 credit score before all of this took place, and I'm now at a 649. I've paid off $15,000 in debt and am continuing to pay off my bills on-time.
5. I've realized I wasn't the problem. Okay, sure I was codependent and depressed but most of our fights revolved around emotional support and finances. I've now learned to be my own emotional support, and I've learned how to manage my money responsibly. This doesn't mean never spending anything on myself, but it does mean knowing where my money is going. In my marriage I had no idea where all of our money was. Our rent was stupid cheap, my ex was making more than I make now, and still somehow we'd always end up short on something. I now make significantly less than he, child support isn't shit. My rent is more, my bills are more, but somehow I end up making ends meet and have now even started a savings account.
6. I learned how to set boundaries and say no. Codependents Anonymous was an absolute life saver for me and this goes hand-in-hand with learning how to deal with a narcissist.
7. I've also learned how to ask for help and not feel guilty for it. Everyone needs help, and there are people willing to step in. Some people may say no, and they're entitled to that just as much as I am for asking. I've learned how to take responsibility for my own actions and let others be responsible for theirs.
8. I switched jobs. I had so much anxiety revolving around this entire situation because I had gotten so comfortable at my last job. However, they weren't willing to give me a pay increase and I felt underappreciated all the time. I came across a job with a local company that I had come to know through my other job, because their family was one of our top customers. I had to find new childcare for my kids, which was very uncomfortable for me. But I pushed through and all of the stars aligned and I am now so much happier and less stressed.
9. I started enjoying being a mom. I absolutely love being a mom now. It's my number one job. I didn't always like being a mom, in fact I fucking hated it sometimes. Now that I am happier, I am able to focus less on myself and more on my kids and I think they can honestly sense it.
10. I went back to school. I have been talking about going back to school since I left beauty school. My anxiety always stopped me from trying. But I've learned that the only way to get past the fear, is to make the leap. If you fall, there will be people to pick you up. Sometimes I have to pick myself up, but I'm so glad I finally took the chance because it will open so many doors for me and create a stable future for my kids as well.
One year, three hundred sixty five days. I blinked and it all passed, yet so much has changed.
I didn't even think about my wedding anniversary this year.
I think I am exactly who I wanted to be all along, finally.
"A few years ago I wrote two versions of my obituary, the one I wanted and the one I was heading for. They were very different. I realized I needed to make some big changes if I was going to look back and be proud of my life. I am making those changes, and now I have a life worth living."
-Roz Savage
One year ago, my ex and I met up on a normal Friday in Biggs, Oregon. I handed him Summer, who had taken an epic dump in her diaper on the way there. He says "Well, I guess the divorce is final as of today.
I said "Should we high five?"
And I was shut down by him for the last time.
He put Summer on the hood of his truck and started changing her, while gagging, as per usual.
"Wow, you never helped that much even when we were married." /sarcasm
Him: "............"
I drove back that night and met up with a Tinder date who I would end up together with for the next six months.
I accomplished a lot with the satisfaction of knowing I was officially divorced, and being able to move on with my life. Not to say that things got any easier after, because in fact they got worse. Regrets and resentment happened. Horrible rumors being spread about me.
Here's what I've accomplished since then:
1. I've learned how to manage my anxiety. This is my biggest feat to date because my anxiety got so bad that I stayed up for days on end, my weight and appetite fluctuating.
2. I learned how to deal with narcissists. This is a close second to my anxiety, because learning how to ignore threats and not be afraid anymore was a very hard lesson to learn. Recognizing red flags, being able to separate emotion from logic, responding vs. reacting. It came in handy with my last relationship, and continues to be helpful in every day life.
3. I moved out on my own. I spent the first year of separation living with my parents. When they decided to move to Idaho, I had gotten my tax return and figured it was good timing anyway. I was finally caught up on my bills and began budgeting and I couldn't be more proud of my home even though it's just an apartment.
4. I caught up on my bills and built my credit back up. When we first separated, I had been a stay at home mom. He was paying my bills, and to my dissatisfaction he stopped paying anything of mine and insisted he didn't owe me a dime until the papers were final. My credit tanked into the low 400s. Most of my credit cards were closed or sent to collections. My car was in danger of being repossessed (they had agents out taking pictures of my car and asking if I was home). I was at a financial and mental low. I was at a 720 credit score before all of this took place, and I'm now at a 649. I've paid off $15,000 in debt and am continuing to pay off my bills on-time.
5. I've realized I wasn't the problem. Okay, sure I was codependent and depressed but most of our fights revolved around emotional support and finances. I've now learned to be my own emotional support, and I've learned how to manage my money responsibly. This doesn't mean never spending anything on myself, but it does mean knowing where my money is going. In my marriage I had no idea where all of our money was. Our rent was stupid cheap, my ex was making more than I make now, and still somehow we'd always end up short on something. I now make significantly less than he, child support isn't shit. My rent is more, my bills are more, but somehow I end up making ends meet and have now even started a savings account.
6. I learned how to set boundaries and say no. Codependents Anonymous was an absolute life saver for me and this goes hand-in-hand with learning how to deal with a narcissist.
7. I've also learned how to ask for help and not feel guilty for it. Everyone needs help, and there are people willing to step in. Some people may say no, and they're entitled to that just as much as I am for asking. I've learned how to take responsibility for my own actions and let others be responsible for theirs.
8. I switched jobs. I had so much anxiety revolving around this entire situation because I had gotten so comfortable at my last job. However, they weren't willing to give me a pay increase and I felt underappreciated all the time. I came across a job with a local company that I had come to know through my other job, because their family was one of our top customers. I had to find new childcare for my kids, which was very uncomfortable for me. But I pushed through and all of the stars aligned and I am now so much happier and less stressed.
9. I started enjoying being a mom. I absolutely love being a mom now. It's my number one job. I didn't always like being a mom, in fact I fucking hated it sometimes. Now that I am happier, I am able to focus less on myself and more on my kids and I think they can honestly sense it.
10. I went back to school. I have been talking about going back to school since I left beauty school. My anxiety always stopped me from trying. But I've learned that the only way to get past the fear, is to make the leap. If you fall, there will be people to pick you up. Sometimes I have to pick myself up, but I'm so glad I finally took the chance because it will open so many doors for me and create a stable future for my kids as well.
One year, three hundred sixty five days. I blinked and it all passed, yet so much has changed.
I didn't even think about my wedding anniversary this year.
I think I am exactly who I wanted to be all along, finally.
"A few years ago I wrote two versions of my obituary, the one I wanted and the one I was heading for. They were very different. I realized I needed to make some big changes if I was going to look back and be proud of my life. I am making those changes, and now I have a life worth living."
-Roz Savage
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