Getting into a relationship as a single mom is hard.
There's the aspect of just you and your new partner, and then there's the aspect of you and your kids, and then there's the aspect of you all as a unit.
It's no secret that dating is something I have done post-divorce. After I found a balance in my mental health I decided I would try it again. In my new relationship my mental health began to deteriorate, and I couldn't pinpoint why. I wanted to try to stick it out and figured my anxiety was just getting the best of me.
Unfortunately I think it was only gut instinct, telling me something wasn't quite right.
A narcissist will never admit to being a narcissist and will always turn everything back around on you and make you feel like the crazy one. Even writing this, I wonder if I was really the problem.
The beginning was great. I was having fun, being carefree again.
But carefree turned into careless.
I was empty. I relapsed and harmed myself for the first time in years.
I clammed up and was unable to express myself.
I was scared to admit to myself that it all felt too familiar.
Things were moving too fast, and I was uncomfortable.
I expressed my feelings towards it and it was taken personally.
There was a final straw that was drawn and it's not something I could just look past.
To him it didn't seem like a big deal. To others, he owned responsibility, but to me he made excuses and called it explaining himself. Instead of apologizing for putting me in the position I was put in, bawling my eyes out in my supervisor's office, he made it about him.
Some details are purposely left out for personal reasons, not to be vague.
I immediately broke things off and I questioned myself. He began saying things that scared me. After a family member commits suicide, you begin taking these things very seriously and I couldn't have that guilt on me. I called someone I trust to go help him because I was physically and mentally unable to help him.
People make fun of 'snowflakes' for being too easily 'triggered' but until you've been triggered you will not understand the turmoil it puts you through.
I questioned not only my decision, but my sanity. I questioned several people if I was justified.
The truth is, I've never broken up with someone before. I've always been the one left.
I felt awful for the hurt he was feeling because I've felt it, too.
But that hurt was projected on me into anger.
And then apologies.
And then the cycle would begin again.
Assuming we could be friends after the trust I had was broken.
And I'm embarrassed.
I'm disappointed.
I put myself in a situation I never wanted to be in again, and there I was.
But here I am, out of the fog. Still trying to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing.
I've reread our conversations multiple times and read what he says and think "Did I really do this? Am I really like this?"
Am I really a heartless person?
Do I really give off just the idea that I'm caring, but really I'm not?
Am I not understanding enough?
Am I too choosy?
Am I that bad?
But then he told me I'd never find anyone as patient and understanding as him, to put up with my bullshit.
And it felt like f*cking deja vu."
I am thankful for the experiences I've had, and what they have taught me in what to look out for.
I'm thankful that I can put my foot down and decide to never settle again.
But dammit, just because I learned those lessons doesn't mean I wanted to have to use them.
I knew before I was protecting my own heart, but when my kids were put into the equation it was a no brainer.
I fell off the wagon a bit, I admit.
I failed an exam.
I couldn't eat for days.
But I'm doing better, much better.
And please, if you ever doubt your instinct, don't. Because it's probably right.
And if it seems too good to be true, it just may be.
"You have permission to walk away
from anything that doesn't feel right.
Trust your instincts and listen to your inner voice -
it's trying to protect you."
-Bryant McGill
There's the aspect of just you and your new partner, and then there's the aspect of you and your kids, and then there's the aspect of you all as a unit.
It's no secret that dating is something I have done post-divorce. After I found a balance in my mental health I decided I would try it again. In my new relationship my mental health began to deteriorate, and I couldn't pinpoint why. I wanted to try to stick it out and figured my anxiety was just getting the best of me.
Unfortunately I think it was only gut instinct, telling me something wasn't quite right.
A narcissist will never admit to being a narcissist and will always turn everything back around on you and make you feel like the crazy one. Even writing this, I wonder if I was really the problem.
The beginning was great. I was having fun, being carefree again.
But carefree turned into careless.
I was empty. I relapsed and harmed myself for the first time in years.
I clammed up and was unable to express myself.
I was scared to admit to myself that it all felt too familiar.
Things were moving too fast, and I was uncomfortable.
I expressed my feelings towards it and it was taken personally.
There was a final straw that was drawn and it's not something I could just look past.
To him it didn't seem like a big deal. To others, he owned responsibility, but to me he made excuses and called it explaining himself. Instead of apologizing for putting me in the position I was put in, bawling my eyes out in my supervisor's office, he made it about him.
Some details are purposely left out for personal reasons, not to be vague.
I immediately broke things off and I questioned myself. He began saying things that scared me. After a family member commits suicide, you begin taking these things very seriously and I couldn't have that guilt on me. I called someone I trust to go help him because I was physically and mentally unable to help him.
People make fun of 'snowflakes' for being too easily 'triggered' but until you've been triggered you will not understand the turmoil it puts you through.
I questioned not only my decision, but my sanity. I questioned several people if I was justified.
The truth is, I've never broken up with someone before. I've always been the one left.
I felt awful for the hurt he was feeling because I've felt it, too.
But that hurt was projected on me into anger.
And then apologies.
And then the cycle would begin again.
Assuming we could be friends after the trust I had was broken.
And I'm embarrassed.
I'm disappointed.
I put myself in a situation I never wanted to be in again, and there I was.
But here I am, out of the fog. Still trying to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing.
I've reread our conversations multiple times and read what he says and think "Did I really do this? Am I really like this?"
Am I really a heartless person?
Do I really give off just the idea that I'm caring, but really I'm not?
Am I not understanding enough?
Am I too choosy?
Am I that bad?
But then he told me I'd never find anyone as patient and understanding as him, to put up with my bullshit.
And it felt like f*cking deja vu."
I am thankful for the experiences I've had, and what they have taught me in what to look out for.
I'm thankful that I can put my foot down and decide to never settle again.
But dammit, just because I learned those lessons doesn't mean I wanted to have to use them.
I knew before I was protecting my own heart, but when my kids were put into the equation it was a no brainer.
I fell off the wagon a bit, I admit.
I failed an exam.
I couldn't eat for days.
But I'm doing better, much better.
And please, if you ever doubt your instinct, don't. Because it's probably right.
And if it seems too good to be true, it just may be.
"You have permission to walk away
from anything that doesn't feel right.
Trust your instincts and listen to your inner voice -
it's trying to protect you."
-Bryant McGill
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