Thankfully a lot of the drama regarding my ex husband has settled down these last couple of months.
I got off Paxil and back on Zoloft and my anxiety has leveled out to a point where I felt comfortable finally enrolling in full-time online school.
This has been one of my divorce bucket list items since my ex very first split with me.
At the time I actually had re-enrolled in community college and 100% planned on taking classes, but it never got that far.
I believe wholeheartedly that this has been meant to be.
I don't believe in fate or destiny but I do believe that things are right or wrong. At the time, it wasn't right, but now I have the mentality to commit and see this thing through.
I have a career path chosen and I have the support and drive to keep me motivated.
I feel so fortunate to have the support I do.
I never in my life thought I would be a full-time working, full-time student, full-time single parent.
And yet I feel so humbled by all of the people around me.
Yes I get kudos, people ask me all the time how I do it.
I just do, I tell them.
I don't have a choice.
I guess I do have a choice, but I never see it that way.
My only other option is to quit.
If you've read my previous blogs, you know that I never saw myself having kids. Period.
I never wanted to be a mother. I'm okay with admitting that.
Isaiah came along, and Summer was planned.
The last thing I wanted to do when I had my kids was to be a stay-at-home parent.
I've been working since I was 17 years old.
I relied completely on someone else financially, and eventually mentally and emotionally as well.
BIG mistake.
For parents who do stay at home, I commend you.
For the amount of not only patience it takes with your kids, but the amount of trust you have in yourself and your partner.
That being said, when the ex and I split, the whole shared parenting thing scared the shit out of me.
I didn't want to be a single parent.
I didn't like the idea of having to care for the kids 100% on my own.
You want to hear something funny? Nothing. actually. changed.
I'm not completely discrediting my ex for the things that he did. He tried to help out, when I asked him to. Or yelled at him to. (We're not all perfect).
But especially after moving into my own place (thank you, mom and dad, for everything you did to help me out) I've realized how much I did for myself before. I held way too high of expectations and didn't give myself enough recognition for everything I did. Instead of being proud of myself, I felt exhausted and overwhelmed and it usually turned into some kind of blame game.
When we first separated and I believed things were going to work out, I hated the thought of being a single parent. I hated the thought of taking the kids to appointments, having to clean up after them by myself, learning how to cook for one less person.
Now I have no one to blame or argue with, and my fucking house looks AMAZING.
It's not spotless, but I've got it decorated, I've got all my own stuff, and it's cleaner than my shared house ever was (turns out I'm not the lazy pig everyone made me out to be!)
My finances are looking better despite some bumps in the road. I am taking responsibility for myself, for my actions, for my thoughts, and for the consequences that result from the aforementioned actions and thoughts.
I care for my kids full time, when they aren't at the sitter's. But this time is different. This time I ask for help when I need it and don't feel guilty for taking a night for myself, or spending a couple bucks on something for me. Self-care is something I didn't know about before, and something I'm learning to take advantage of.
Before, I would blow money, go on shopping sprees, drink or do something stupid, but it wasn't for me. It was untreated anxiety. It was the need to be accepted and validated.
After I stopped worrying about validation and acceptance and control, I started being able to let shit go and be free from all of it. And guess what, I haven't felt myself being manipulated in weeks now!
I feel like I can enjoy being a single parent now because I'm not doing it because I feel like I have to.
I'm kicking ass at being a single parent because when my kids grow up, I want them to know they don't need validation or acceptance. They need compassion and empathy and drive and motivation. They need goals and dreams and to never lose sight of who they are inside. They don't need someone to complete them because they are complete. They need understanding and love and forgiveness.
Above all, they need to realize that all of this comes from within oneself.
In case you haven't yet, follow my brand new Facebook page (click to open!) for memes, photos, and chatter. Thank you for all of your continued support, my beautiful community!
"I've never seen any life transformation
that didn't begin with the person in question
finally getting tired of their own bullshit."
-Elizabeth Gilbert
I got off Paxil and back on Zoloft and my anxiety has leveled out to a point where I felt comfortable finally enrolling in full-time online school.
This has been one of my divorce bucket list items since my ex very first split with me.
At the time I actually had re-enrolled in community college and 100% planned on taking classes, but it never got that far.
I believe wholeheartedly that this has been meant to be.
I don't believe in fate or destiny but I do believe that things are right or wrong. At the time, it wasn't right, but now I have the mentality to commit and see this thing through.
I have a career path chosen and I have the support and drive to keep me motivated.
I feel so fortunate to have the support I do.
I never in my life thought I would be a full-time working, full-time student, full-time single parent.
And yet I feel so humbled by all of the people around me.
Yes I get kudos, people ask me all the time how I do it.
I just do, I tell them.
I don't have a choice.
I guess I do have a choice, but I never see it that way.
My only other option is to quit.
If you've read my previous blogs, you know that I never saw myself having kids. Period.
I never wanted to be a mother. I'm okay with admitting that.
Isaiah came along, and Summer was planned.
The last thing I wanted to do when I had my kids was to be a stay-at-home parent.
I've been working since I was 17 years old.
I relied completely on someone else financially, and eventually mentally and emotionally as well.
BIG mistake.
For parents who do stay at home, I commend you.
For the amount of not only patience it takes with your kids, but the amount of trust you have in yourself and your partner.
That being said, when the ex and I split, the whole shared parenting thing scared the shit out of me.
I didn't want to be a single parent.
I didn't like the idea of having to care for the kids 100% on my own.
You want to hear something funny? Nothing. actually. changed.
I'm not completely discrediting my ex for the things that he did. He tried to help out, when I asked him to. Or yelled at him to. (We're not all perfect).
But especially after moving into my own place (thank you, mom and dad, for everything you did to help me out) I've realized how much I did for myself before. I held way too high of expectations and didn't give myself enough recognition for everything I did. Instead of being proud of myself, I felt exhausted and overwhelmed and it usually turned into some kind of blame game.
When we first separated and I believed things were going to work out, I hated the thought of being a single parent. I hated the thought of taking the kids to appointments, having to clean up after them by myself, learning how to cook for one less person.
Now I have no one to blame or argue with, and my fucking house looks AMAZING.
It's not spotless, but I've got it decorated, I've got all my own stuff, and it's cleaner than my shared house ever was (turns out I'm not the lazy pig everyone made me out to be!)
My finances are looking better despite some bumps in the road. I am taking responsibility for myself, for my actions, for my thoughts, and for the consequences that result from the aforementioned actions and thoughts.
I care for my kids full time, when they aren't at the sitter's. But this time is different. This time I ask for help when I need it and don't feel guilty for taking a night for myself, or spending a couple bucks on something for me. Self-care is something I didn't know about before, and something I'm learning to take advantage of.
Before, I would blow money, go on shopping sprees, drink or do something stupid, but it wasn't for me. It was untreated anxiety. It was the need to be accepted and validated.
After I stopped worrying about validation and acceptance and control, I started being able to let shit go and be free from all of it. And guess what, I haven't felt myself being manipulated in weeks now!
I feel like I can enjoy being a single parent now because I'm not doing it because I feel like I have to.
I'm kicking ass at being a single parent because when my kids grow up, I want them to know they don't need validation or acceptance. They need compassion and empathy and drive and motivation. They need goals and dreams and to never lose sight of who they are inside. They don't need someone to complete them because they are complete. They need understanding and love and forgiveness.
Above all, they need to realize that all of this comes from within oneself.
In case you haven't yet, follow my brand new Facebook page (click to open!) for memes, photos, and chatter. Thank you for all of your continued support, my beautiful community!
"I've never seen any life transformation
that didn't begin with the person in question
finally getting tired of their own bullshit."
-Elizabeth Gilbert
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