Memory is a funny thing.
Do we choose the memories we keep, or do the memories choose us?
Today a fellow mommy posted a photo of her baby when she was three months old. I went back through my photos of Summer as a baby and because of my state of mind during most of those months, I think my mind just kind of washed those memories away.
I was drowning in depression through Summer's entire infancy. I mourn her infancy because I was so absent mentally. I was in a strange town with strange people and in the winter it was impossible to go outside. I felt completely outcast. Maybe it was by my own doing because I was being someone I was not in order to feel accepted. Would I have been accepted there, for who I am now?
And then I found myself looking through my wedding photos.
Was it all in my head or did I actually look sad?
The discovery and acceptance of the fact that my ex-husband may be a narcissist, my journey through codependents anonymous, and the rediscovery of my self made me reexamine past events and how they truly made me feel.
I was part of the problem, yes. I have done so many things to better myself.
But why did I put up with so much? I was ignored so much. I gave up so much of myself and called it sacrifice and compromise but I truly lost myself. I didn't even know what red flags were at the time and I could make a quilt with all the red flags I overlooked now.
Let me paint a picture for you.
When my ex and I first met, he lied to me about his age because he didn't think I'd be attracted to him if I knew his real age. He's two years younger than me. I was 19 at the time.
He left to go to OSUT (one station unit training) for the Army National Guard. We agreed to write each other but hadn't actually established any kind of relationship before he left. He bought me a promise ring while he was there. He bought me a sapphire necklace for my birthday.
I was overcome with butterflies.
We know this now as "love bombing".
He came home, gave me the promise ring for Christmas, and proposed to me four months later.
In between that time, he began sleepwalking (sleep driving, really).
There were so many things that happened and I felt like a caretaker. I felt a duty to stay by his side because all of these terrible things happened.
I have to wonder now how many of these events were actually lies.
How many times something outrageous happened, like being forced to steal a stereo system from a Wal-Mart.
Like being mugged and beating the shit out of someone.
Like driving his car down to the embankment by the train and crashing into a ditch.
Like running from the cops on his friend's motorcycle, because he thought I would be mad at him for not having gotten his motorcycle endorsement. (Just another time I was ignored.)
It's so hard not to beat myself up, not to live in the past some days and wonder why I stayed as long as I did.
I know, I know that all of this lead to where I am now.
But I also heard today on my kids' cartoon that "not every lesson is a good lesson" and I think I really liked that.
I try to remember happier times about our relationship. I honestly try to miss it.
But I can't.
Because I don't think I was ever in love. Not with him.
That's a hard thing to admit.
I know I talk openly about my past, but I haven't told many people about these kind of details because it honestly feels embarrassing and I don't want to sound like I'm gossiping, because that's not my intention.
I don't want to be labeled a victim because I'm not.
I'm a survivor and I continue to survive.
My intention here, is to be raw and honest. To hopefully inspire someone to find the strength in their self to grow beyond the memories.
I am so thankful to have the people I do have, and my awesome supporting friends and family and readers, to remind me that the past is behind me and to work on my future; But most importantly, to remain in the present. No matter what happened, or what will happen, right now is all I have control over. All I have is hope, that right now will become a moment that when I'm feeling nostalgic, I can look back on and smile.
"If you look at today through the eyes of the past,
You can never see what the present moment has to offer."
-Bryant McGill
Do we choose the memories we keep, or do the memories choose us?
Today a fellow mommy posted a photo of her baby when she was three months old. I went back through my photos of Summer as a baby and because of my state of mind during most of those months, I think my mind just kind of washed those memories away.
I was drowning in depression through Summer's entire infancy. I mourn her infancy because I was so absent mentally. I was in a strange town with strange people and in the winter it was impossible to go outside. I felt completely outcast. Maybe it was by my own doing because I was being someone I was not in order to feel accepted. Would I have been accepted there, for who I am now?
And then I found myself looking through my wedding photos.
Was it all in my head or did I actually look sad?
The discovery and acceptance of the fact that my ex-husband may be a narcissist, my journey through codependents anonymous, and the rediscovery of my self made me reexamine past events and how they truly made me feel.
I was part of the problem, yes. I have done so many things to better myself.
But why did I put up with so much? I was ignored so much. I gave up so much of myself and called it sacrifice and compromise but I truly lost myself. I didn't even know what red flags were at the time and I could make a quilt with all the red flags I overlooked now.
Let me paint a picture for you.
When my ex and I first met, he lied to me about his age because he didn't think I'd be attracted to him if I knew his real age. He's two years younger than me. I was 19 at the time.
He left to go to OSUT (one station unit training) for the Army National Guard. We agreed to write each other but hadn't actually established any kind of relationship before he left. He bought me a promise ring while he was there. He bought me a sapphire necklace for my birthday.
I was overcome with butterflies.
We know this now as "love bombing".
He came home, gave me the promise ring for Christmas, and proposed to me four months later.
In between that time, he began sleepwalking (sleep driving, really).
There were so many things that happened and I felt like a caretaker. I felt a duty to stay by his side because all of these terrible things happened.
I have to wonder now how many of these events were actually lies.
How many times something outrageous happened, like being forced to steal a stereo system from a Wal-Mart.
Like being mugged and beating the shit out of someone.
Like driving his car down to the embankment by the train and crashing into a ditch.
Like running from the cops on his friend's motorcycle, because he thought I would be mad at him for not having gotten his motorcycle endorsement. (Just another time I was ignored.)
It's so hard not to beat myself up, not to live in the past some days and wonder why I stayed as long as I did.
I know, I know that all of this lead to where I am now.
But I also heard today on my kids' cartoon that "not every lesson is a good lesson" and I think I really liked that.
I try to remember happier times about our relationship. I honestly try to miss it.
But I can't.
Because I don't think I was ever in love. Not with him.
That's a hard thing to admit.
I know I talk openly about my past, but I haven't told many people about these kind of details because it honestly feels embarrassing and I don't want to sound like I'm gossiping, because that's not my intention.
I don't want to be labeled a victim because I'm not.
I'm a survivor and I continue to survive.
My intention here, is to be raw and honest. To hopefully inspire someone to find the strength in their self to grow beyond the memories.
I am so thankful to have the people I do have, and my awesome supporting friends and family and readers, to remind me that the past is behind me and to work on my future; But most importantly, to remain in the present. No matter what happened, or what will happen, right now is all I have control over. All I have is hope, that right now will become a moment that when I'm feeling nostalgic, I can look back on and smile.
"If you look at today through the eyes of the past,
You can never see what the present moment has to offer."
-Bryant McGill
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