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The Climb

The last few months have been haywire.
A lot happened all at once and I've been trying to find a balance again.
My mom moved away, I moved into my apartment, my then boyfriend deployed, I switched medications, and I went on a new birth control.

My hormones were out of control, and my moods were horrid.

My mom has since moved back, I'm finding a new level of independence, especially since my boyfriend broke up with me, I switched back to my old meds, and came off the birth control.

I'm still leveling out, but I went a bit off the deep end.

Nothing is harder than trying to still be a loving mom while you're battling your darkest demons.


My breakup was again unforeseen and took a toll on me. I was triggered, hard. I had an anxiety attack and it scared the shit out of me. I knew something needed to change.

This is what I was afraid of happening, when I went on birth control.
I hadn't been on birth control in three years, since before I had Summer. I was afraid of going on birth control because I had just gotten my moods under control. And what I feared the worst, came to be. I ended up locked in my bathroom, curled up on the floor crying to myself, just trying to make it through the next minute.
I went through days where I couldn't eat, to days where I couldn't eat enough. I obsessed over my phone, trying desperately to stay in contact with people to make sure I wouldn't do anything I'd regret.
I went on drinking binges, to sleeping with complete strangers, staying awake for days and feeling completely functional.
I couldn't decipher my thoughts from reality.

I feel like I'm only ever blogging about my struggle with mental illness but lately that has been my main struggle, and I've been quiet about it besides shitposting on Facebook because that's all I can do is make light of it. Making light dulls the pain and makes me feel more normal because I know that people can relate. But the truth is, there have been more days lately where I feel anything but normal. Maybe a normal for me, though.

Between all of this, I had been dealing with even more drama and manipulation from my ex-husband. It has been hard for me to realize and accept him for who and what he is. I hope every day that things were different, but all I can do is guard my heart and protect my children.
There are days when I want to scream to everyone the exact hell that I've been put through but at the end of the day, the people who care to know the truth will find it out.

I'm finding myself extremely blessed with people who care about me and help me see what's real. I often question myself, but am doing so less and less as I am learning to be able to discern when I am being played.

I used to feel so guilty for saying no, but now I'm beginning to feel more empowered by simply setting boundaries and sticking to them.

This feels a lot like starting over exactly where I did last year, but I keep forgetting that recovery is not a straight one way street. It is an unpaved trail, going through forests, forking into three different directions. One way loops around, so you're taken back through the thickets, get some annoying bug bites, tread through rushing waters, and eventually I will make it to the top and see the amazing view. And in the end, my kids will see how hard I worked to get there.

 "Everything you wanted is on the other side of fear."

 -George Addair
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