When my ex-husband first asked for a divorce, I had set goals for myself. I was only thinking six months ahead, because any further than that and my anxiety always got the best of me.
My goals were as follows:
1. Get a job
2. Go to school
3. Move out on my own
4. Fix my credit
5. Do more of what I love
6. Learn to love myself as a whole person, and stop expecting someone else to complete me
It took me less than a month to complete my first goal. I had applied for 10 jobs, had three interviews and two job offers by the next day. I accepted the job that was completely different from anything I'd ever done before. Granted, my title is "cashier" but I do so much more, in an industry I knew virtually nothing about before beginning this job.
I dropped the idea of going back to school for awhile because of my mental state, and the fact that I still didn't know what I would go back to school for. So I decided to put it off until I did know. I am now enrolled into a program for accounting where I can attend 100% online classes. I couldn't be more excited for my future because I know exactly what career field I want to enter. As a 17 year old just out of high school, I didn't know shit about what kind of careers I had access to. I didn't know what I'd enjoy doing the rest of my life. I didn't know my passions or interests. I find it hard to believe that any teenager really knows what they're getting into freshly into university. I dropped out after a semester, but since then I have missed the accounting side of things. I really felt a connection to it because to me it felt like learning a new language - and I love learning.
Moving out on my own was kind of on a whim. I had plans to move into a house with a friend and her kids, but opportunities came quickly and I ended up in a little apartment of my own and I couldn't be more proud. I think it's something I needed to do, to be completely independent and realize that I can do it on my own. I had moved in with my ex-husband at 19 years old. I have never known a home of my own, and that's what I've made it -- a home.
When my ex-husband and I separated and divorce was imminent, he told me he wasn't trying to make things hard on me and promised to continue helping me pay my bills. I told him I didn't want his money, all I wanted was him. Turns out I probably should have taken the money because 6 of my 7 credit cards got closed and my car was nearly repossessed. My credit took a dive into the low 400s but I am now sitting proudly at a 629. BY. MY. SELF. Maybe I'm stubborn, maybe a little too proud, but I did it, dammit.
I haven't had much time to do what I love lately, but hiking season is upon us and I have hopes to make it out into some more this summer. I have my first ever paid vacation coming up and will be marking off my bucket list item - visiting Yellowstone National Park. I will be making the road trip solo with me and my kids, stopping along the way to see family and friends. My ex-husband always gave me gifts and it's something I absolutely hated. Chocolates, flowers, cards. Where were the every day gifts? He was a workaholic so most of the time these were "sorry I'm never home, here's a token to get me out of the dog house". I wanted to go somewhere. Make memories. I have so much fucking jewelry that I either lost, or just don't wear because he bought them for me and called it romance.
Learning to love myself was hard. I had never heard of being whole alone. I had never heard of self-love. In doing things for myself, and doing more things I loved, I learned that I wasn't whole because I gave so much of myself away. I compromised my whole self to become something that someone else wanted. It turns out people are temporary, even when they promise in front of all of your family to be with you through thick and thin. It turns out that even when you meet someone who seems perfect for you, and you for them, there is still the potential to lose them.
I put my heart and soul into this relationship. I let my walls down because I promised that the next person I loved, I would love even better than my last because I was whole. I was able to pour from an overflowing cup instead of trying to pour from a half empty one. I loved so hard, but love is still not enough to save a relationship.
When you're dating as a single parent and come across someone who doesn't have kids, it is a whole new responsibility because their heart is first in the hands of me, followed by the hands of my kids. That's three hearts. Three souls. And sometimes, that's just too much.
Beginning a new relationship was not an easy commitment for me to make. Ending it, it turns out, has been even harder.
There was no grand gesture that concluded things. I didn't even know when we were breaking up, that we were breaking up because he was so kind about it, and soft-hearted.
It's a confusing feeling when you are no longer together, but still want to keep the door open. You want to not want them anymore, but at the same time doesn't that create bitterness? The biggest battle against myself has been what to do in this situation. Where do I compartmentalize these feelings? Do I simply let go? I don't want to close that off completely. But what if he finds someone else, what if he wants to find someone else?
This time around is so much different because I know I will be fine alone. When I was left by my ex-husband, I was sure I wanted to die. This time, I was just stricken with grief. Pure sadness. An ache to feel fine again, with or without him. But do I want to be fine without him?
"Sometimes we need to lose the small battles in order to win the war."
-Unknown
My goals were as follows:
1. Get a job
2. Go to school
3. Move out on my own
4. Fix my credit
5. Do more of what I love
6. Learn to love myself as a whole person, and stop expecting someone else to complete me
It took me less than a month to complete my first goal. I had applied for 10 jobs, had three interviews and two job offers by the next day. I accepted the job that was completely different from anything I'd ever done before. Granted, my title is "cashier" but I do so much more, in an industry I knew virtually nothing about before beginning this job.
I dropped the idea of going back to school for awhile because of my mental state, and the fact that I still didn't know what I would go back to school for. So I decided to put it off until I did know. I am now enrolled into a program for accounting where I can attend 100% online classes. I couldn't be more excited for my future because I know exactly what career field I want to enter. As a 17 year old just out of high school, I didn't know shit about what kind of careers I had access to. I didn't know what I'd enjoy doing the rest of my life. I didn't know my passions or interests. I find it hard to believe that any teenager really knows what they're getting into freshly into university. I dropped out after a semester, but since then I have missed the accounting side of things. I really felt a connection to it because to me it felt like learning a new language - and I love learning.
Moving out on my own was kind of on a whim. I had plans to move into a house with a friend and her kids, but opportunities came quickly and I ended up in a little apartment of my own and I couldn't be more proud. I think it's something I needed to do, to be completely independent and realize that I can do it on my own. I had moved in with my ex-husband at 19 years old. I have never known a home of my own, and that's what I've made it -- a home.
When my ex-husband and I separated and divorce was imminent, he told me he wasn't trying to make things hard on me and promised to continue helping me pay my bills. I told him I didn't want his money, all I wanted was him. Turns out I probably should have taken the money because 6 of my 7 credit cards got closed and my car was nearly repossessed. My credit took a dive into the low 400s but I am now sitting proudly at a 629. BY. MY. SELF. Maybe I'm stubborn, maybe a little too proud, but I did it, dammit.
I haven't had much time to do what I love lately, but hiking season is upon us and I have hopes to make it out into some more this summer. I have my first ever paid vacation coming up and will be marking off my bucket list item - visiting Yellowstone National Park. I will be making the road trip solo with me and my kids, stopping along the way to see family and friends. My ex-husband always gave me gifts and it's something I absolutely hated. Chocolates, flowers, cards. Where were the every day gifts? He was a workaholic so most of the time these were "sorry I'm never home, here's a token to get me out of the dog house". I wanted to go somewhere. Make memories. I have so much fucking jewelry that I either lost, or just don't wear because he bought them for me and called it romance.
Learning to love myself was hard. I had never heard of being whole alone. I had never heard of self-love. In doing things for myself, and doing more things I loved, I learned that I wasn't whole because I gave so much of myself away. I compromised my whole self to become something that someone else wanted. It turns out people are temporary, even when they promise in front of all of your family to be with you through thick and thin. It turns out that even when you meet someone who seems perfect for you, and you for them, there is still the potential to lose them.
I put my heart and soul into this relationship. I let my walls down because I promised that the next person I loved, I would love even better than my last because I was whole. I was able to pour from an overflowing cup instead of trying to pour from a half empty one. I loved so hard, but love is still not enough to save a relationship.
When you're dating as a single parent and come across someone who doesn't have kids, it is a whole new responsibility because their heart is first in the hands of me, followed by the hands of my kids. That's three hearts. Three souls. And sometimes, that's just too much.
Beginning a new relationship was not an easy commitment for me to make. Ending it, it turns out, has been even harder.
There was no grand gesture that concluded things. I didn't even know when we were breaking up, that we were breaking up because he was so kind about it, and soft-hearted.
It's a confusing feeling when you are no longer together, but still want to keep the door open. You want to not want them anymore, but at the same time doesn't that create bitterness? The biggest battle against myself has been what to do in this situation. Where do I compartmentalize these feelings? Do I simply let go? I don't want to close that off completely. But what if he finds someone else, what if he wants to find someone else?
This time around is so much different because I know I will be fine alone. When I was left by my ex-husband, I was sure I wanted to die. This time, I was just stricken with grief. Pure sadness. An ache to feel fine again, with or without him. But do I want to be fine without him?
"Sometimes we need to lose the small battles in order to win the war."
-Unknown
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