Woman On Top

When my ex husband first told me he wanted a divorce, I felt kicked when I was down. I lost my great-grandfather and a classmate in February, our son had a full-blown seizure in March when he was life-flighted to Portland, and I was trying to handle my crippling depression and anxiety. I felt like he took advantage of the fact that I was staying with my parents for some medical appointments for our son. He took the most opportune moment to decide to tell me he was happier without me.

I went into fight or flight, and I fought. With rage.

Once I learned he had a girlfriend (which I found out through her husband) I said "Wow, you really showed me, didn't you?"

I almost felt bad for rebounding until I found out he had my kids spending the night with this girl before I even knew about her.

The best thing I ever did instead of lying around moping all the time (I still did some of the time), was to look at my immediate future and decide what it was I needed to do for myself to become so independent I didn't have to rely on anyone anymore.
I was a stay-at-home-mom for two years. I quit work and always resented my ex for it. I started working when I was seventeen and when I wasn't working I was going to school full time. I didn't know how to be a full-time Pinterest mom and it was driving me nuts.
Now that I knew I would be working full time, I started planning financially for myself.
Living on a single income of $14 an hour forced us to use credit cards (which were under my name) and most months I had to decide which bills I could skip without going to collections yet. More resentment.

I had excellent credit before I quit working. By the time I started working again after we separated and he stopped helping with my credit card bills, my credit was in the 400s.
I had a repossession agent visit me at my home to take pictures of my car. I got letters telling me my loan was going into default.
I stopped monitoring my credit because it was so daunting.

I decided to check my credit two weeks ago to see where I was at, and found that my bank is now reporting my auto loan in good standing for the first time in two years, and two collections have been removed from my report. My credit has gone up over 100 points in the last six months. I almost cried.

It was hard feeling like an equal to my ex when we were married when I was constantly being nagged and having to nag him.

I'm a working woman, there's no other way for me to be. I will never again rely on a man for money, or for any other type of support for that matter. I've found a man who supports me in every way but I don't feel the need for it anymore. I've got myself, and the rest is just a bonus.

I got here by making small, achievable goals because looking too far ahead gets overwhelming quickly. I learned my strength. I've used my trials as tools, not excuses.

Now I've just placed my name on a wait list for an apartment and hopefully will be 100% independent by the end of 2018.

Damn it feels good to be on top again.

"Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."

-Unknown