I've tried to come up with blog prompts that resemble a more lighthearted approach to writing, but I think writing about the things that hurt the most is more important. These kind of issues are things that people actually endure every day, but they get ignored. Not to say people don't endure things that aren't terribly depressing; but if the majority of Americans are depressed or have been at some point, why the fuck wouldn't we just talk about it?
I don't like to place a lot of value on holidays, and maybe that's because of the losses that I have been through. Holidays are supposed to be a time of cheer, joyfulness, and gathering, right? What if something happens and suddenly the holidays become a time of fear and anxiety? What if they become a time of bad memories and feelings of emptiness? Can we just be real about it?
Becoming a single mother is something I absolutely never saw myself doing. Then again, I've done a lot of things I never saw myself doing.
But coming up on the holidays is especially hard this year because I'm obligated to be cheerful and happy. For my job, but mostly for my kids. When you're in this state of grief and loss, putting on a brave face is tiring.
Of course the loss I'm referring to here is divorce.
But also the loss of family members.
My brother in law.
And with the divorce, the rest of my in-laws as well.
And to those who don't know, the holidays revolve around the anniversary of the devastating house fire I went through with my parents while I was nine months pregnant.
Today, two years ago, was the morning after the fire happened. I looked at my "on this day" memories on Facebook this morning and reading each of the shares from the GoFundMe account that my sister-in-law set up for us had me in a blubbering mess.
I didn't go Black Friday shopping this year because I worked an 11 hour shift, because it has turned into a "Gray Thursday" that I don't agree with, but I think mostly it's because I am so terrified of losing everything all over again.
The fire happened two days after we had bought all of our Christmas presents.
Six weeks after my baby shower for my daughter.
This morning, as I was looking through the memories, I realized I hadn't felt this way in a long time - sad.
I don't know when it was that I became completely numb to my emotions.
Wouldn't it make more sense for me to try not to put so much value on the days that hold negative energy, instead of the ones that are supposed to be some of the most cherished days of our lives?
After going through such great losses, I suppose I try to make every day most cherished. But being exhausted, mentally and physically makes that hard to do. And all the hype around the holidays makes it that much worse.
"
Your kids are going to see how strong you are, and thank you for it some day.
You are doing the best you can for your kids.
You are an amazing mother/person.
You should smile more.
"
What if I don't want to be strong all the time? What if I feel I'm not doing my best?
What if I don't want to smile more because I want people to understand the pain?
Yes I manage my depression and anxiety, but I'm not a hero.
I live through each minute because I know I have to.
This particular post was written in two parts; the first part was written prior to the anniversary of the fire, and the second was written today (obviously) and I've discovered so much just in that amount of time.
I keep writing and deleting, writing and deleting, because there really aren't any words to describe the immense guilt I feel, towards myself. How did I get so far away from the person I used to be?
I wish I would have allowed myself to grieve these losses a long time ago, but I was too busy consumed in putting on a brave face, being a sub-par mother and housewife, pretending to be someone I thought everyone wanted me to be.
The further I get away from my marriage, the more I realize the greatest loss I endured during the last few years, was myself.
If you're interested in reading the original article about the fire:
http://www.thereflector.com/news/article_b6d2072a-9dfc-11e5-ae09-bf447b807320.html
"Death is not the greatest loss in life.
The greatest loss, is what dies inside us
while we live."
-Norman Cousins
I don't like to place a lot of value on holidays, and maybe that's because of the losses that I have been through. Holidays are supposed to be a time of cheer, joyfulness, and gathering, right? What if something happens and suddenly the holidays become a time of fear and anxiety? What if they become a time of bad memories and feelings of emptiness? Can we just be real about it?
Becoming a single mother is something I absolutely never saw myself doing. Then again, I've done a lot of things I never saw myself doing.
But coming up on the holidays is especially hard this year because I'm obligated to be cheerful and happy. For my job, but mostly for my kids. When you're in this state of grief and loss, putting on a brave face is tiring.
Of course the loss I'm referring to here is divorce.
But also the loss of family members.
My brother in law.
And with the divorce, the rest of my in-laws as well.
And to those who don't know, the holidays revolve around the anniversary of the devastating house fire I went through with my parents while I was nine months pregnant.
Today, two years ago, was the morning after the fire happened. I looked at my "on this day" memories on Facebook this morning and reading each of the shares from the GoFundMe account that my sister-in-law set up for us had me in a blubbering mess.
I didn't go Black Friday shopping this year because I worked an 11 hour shift, because it has turned into a "Gray Thursday" that I don't agree with, but I think mostly it's because I am so terrified of losing everything all over again.
The fire happened two days after we had bought all of our Christmas presents.
Six weeks after my baby shower for my daughter.
This morning, as I was looking through the memories, I realized I hadn't felt this way in a long time - sad.
I don't know when it was that I became completely numb to my emotions.
Wouldn't it make more sense for me to try not to put so much value on the days that hold negative energy, instead of the ones that are supposed to be some of the most cherished days of our lives?
After going through such great losses, I suppose I try to make every day most cherished. But being exhausted, mentally and physically makes that hard to do. And all the hype around the holidays makes it that much worse.
"
Your kids are going to see how strong you are, and thank you for it some day.
You are doing the best you can for your kids.
You are an amazing mother/person.
You should smile more.
"
What if I don't want to be strong all the time? What if I feel I'm not doing my best?
What if I don't want to smile more because I want people to understand the pain?
Yes I manage my depression and anxiety, but I'm not a hero.
I live through each minute because I know I have to.
This particular post was written in two parts; the first part was written prior to the anniversary of the fire, and the second was written today (obviously) and I've discovered so much just in that amount of time.
I keep writing and deleting, writing and deleting, because there really aren't any words to describe the immense guilt I feel, towards myself. How did I get so far away from the person I used to be?
I wish I would have allowed myself to grieve these losses a long time ago, but I was too busy consumed in putting on a brave face, being a sub-par mother and housewife, pretending to be someone I thought everyone wanted me to be.
The further I get away from my marriage, the more I realize the greatest loss I endured during the last few years, was myself.
If you're interested in reading the original article about the fire:
http://www.thereflector.com/news/article_b6d2072a-9dfc-11e5-ae09-bf447b807320.html
"Death is not the greatest loss in life.
The greatest loss, is what dies inside us
while we live."
-Norman Cousins
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