Since I've been dating, it's been a broken record of my life.
When I get into the deeper corners, even with friends, my life story just sounds like a series of unfortunate events. They look at me with concern in their eyes and tell me "You don't deserve that."
And let me tell you why they're wrong.
"They" say not to let events define your life, but shape you as a person. So let's start there, with the events that I believe have shaped me as an adult, strengthened me, and changed the way I treat people in general.
The first event I can remember happening was in middle school when I was sexually harassed for basically the duration of junior high. The boys who did it were suspended for two days, and that was the end of it.
It didn't stop there. It continued into public high school, when I was sexually assaulted. I only ever old a few of my closest friends because I didn't know if anyone would believe me, and it wasn't rape so people would think I was blowing it out of proportion.
I deserved this, to change my perspective on body autonomy. To open my eyes to the way women are treated on a day to day basis. And to take no shit from anyone. I was submissive for a very long time, and now I can speak out about it, because I've realized it happens to so many women and young girls, even in committed relationships. No. Means. No. And if no one is going to stand up against these men, I need to protect myself.
The next events that have shaped me would be when I was fourteen and my friend Missi committed suicide. And then exactly a decade later, my little brother-in-law did it on the same date.
I remember seeing my friend Alexis crying, and when she told me Missi had killed herself and how it happened, I was sent into a whirlwind of new emotions I didn't know to exist before. I didn't believe it was true. At the time, there was a website called MySpace Obituaries, where people would post deaths of known MySpace members. There she was. I remember her telling me how unwanted she felt before she moved to North Carolina. I felt completely helpless, like there was literally nothing I could have done to save her.
I remember the morning vividly, when my ex husband got the phone call from his mother. He was in the shower when she called and he immediately turned the shower off, slammed the door, and came out and I already knew. Skyler hadn't come home that night and we actually had texted him at 1AM to see where he was at but he never answered. His roommate came out of his room and we told him the news. "No he didn't. No he didn't. He's still here. There's no way he's gone, I just saw him yesterday. No he didn't." Followed by millions of phone calls to only go to voicemail.
When someone commits suicide, it leaves a world of hurt. So many unanswered questions. You try to find this peace in knowing they aren't struggling with their demons anymore, but there's still a big empty hole in your heart and a little bit of guilt in knowing if you could go back, you might to something different. Even despite reading the medical examiner report, even despite seeing his body there in the viewing room, even despite holding his ashes, seeing the spot where he took his last breath, it still took me a long time to reach closure.
I've been open about my struggle with mental health, but these two people are my other inspiration for mental health awareness. I deserve not only my own struggles, but to lose those around me. I deserve to remember how precious life is, and live each day as if they would be gone tomorrow. If I knew the moment I hugged my brother-in-law would be the last time I would hug him, I would have squeezed him so much tighter, held him so much longer, and told him how much I loved him.
I deserve these particular events, to continue to inspire my mission of mental health awareness, and learn to appreciate even the small things around me. And to know that nearly everyone is going through battles within themselves.
Finally, the event that shaped me the most that I deserve has been my divorce.
The dissolution of my marriage was finalized on 11/03/2017
The two most heard phrases were:
1. "You don't deserve to go through this," and
2. "Wow, I never would have seen this coming."
Number two is hard for me, because I never saw it coming either. If it were a snake, it would have bitten me. It's a little awkward when someone says this to me because I don't really know how to respond.
But I don't deserve it? Oh yes I do.
I deserved to fall to the ground, feeling absolutely broken and physically unable to get off the ground.
After my now ex-husband first told me his feelings had changed, I said "No. No, no, no. I want to fix this." When now I know, there was nothing to fix. But at the time, I wanted to fight to win him back. I drove all the way, 300 miles, to try to get him to stay. I fell on my knees in front of him, hugging his legs, begging him to give it one last try. Just one last try, please. "Haley, I'm done. I'm just done." He already had the divorce packet from the courthouse.
I couldn't drive myself back to my parents' house. I couldn't stop crying. "Damnit, I just want to stop crying."
I remember telling my ex in the car as I sat in the passenger seat holding his hand one last time, "I didn't think there was a pain worse than labor."
I could feel my heart breaking.
But I deserved this.
I deserved to fall completely apart so that I can show the world that it is possible to lose everything you thought you knew, and put yourself back together again.
Divorce is the worst kind of grief besides suicide, I think, because you are grieving someone who is still here. Not only are you grieving that person, or at least who you thought they were, but you're also grieving the life you had planned; the life you had built with this person for years.
After being on the outside of this divorce now for seven months, I realize that I deserve everything that I was put through. I deserve to love myself after hating myself for so long. I deserve to show my kids that I can be okay on my own. I deserve to learn to ask for help when I need it. But most of all, I deserve to find someone who will not simply give up when times get hard. Whether those are friends, family, or a new love.
I deserve not to be a victim anymore.
I deserve to fight back, for all of it.
I deserve to find the strength in me I never knew I had.
"In order to love who you are,
You cannot hate the experiences that shaped you."
-Andrea Dykstra
Comments
Post a Comment