To most, it's no surprise I've been experimenting with dating.
Some may gasp at how I could start dating so soon after such heartbreak.
But my heartbreak was an open door.
I have seen people mourning for years over a relationship that was a mere fantasy.
So yeah, I could wallow in self-pity and mourn the marriage that I thought would last forever, or I can have some fun and maybe find something amazing along the way.
Yes, I did a lot of self-discovery and soul searching, but that also means I have made mistakes along the way.
Let me rephrase that.
I've learned a lot of lessons along the way.
Most importantly, I've learned that I'm in charge of my happiness now, and that means I can pick and choose who I date.
But that also means, I can be rejected, too.
Rejection and abandonment are huge issues for a lot of people including myself.
Dating is roulette for anxiety.
I'll go in chronological order from the first person I dated, to the most recent.
The first person I dated was a rebound. I didn't tell anyone I decided to start dating because I wanted to make the judgment call for myself. I didn't want anyone else's opinions on it. I had decided that I was now doing things for myself.
The first date went okay. It was a cheesy first date, dinner and billiards. It was fun, though.
Until about the third date, when he decided all he wanted to do was hang out at his house and watch movies.
I got bored of it and decided that it wasn't what I wanted. I just got out of a seven year relationship. The last thing I wanted to do was settle down in mediocrity.
I sent him a text and told him I didn't want to see him anymore, and he blew up at me.
He called me a nasty person, and talked down on me. A lot.
Thankfully I had already joined CoDA and knew exactly the kind of person I was, and I was so glad that I obviously made the right call in cutting things off early. We were seeing each other for a week and a half and he acted like we had been together for years.
The second person I dated lasted all of two dates. The first one, again, went really well.
The second date, he got so belligerently drunk he decided that he needed to pee on the sidewalk in the middle of downtown Portland. So that made it pretty easy to call off anything further with him.
The third person, I thought I was ready to commit myself to a monogamous relationship, and I was wrong. When I was questioned over and over if I was sure this is what I wanted, it brought a lot of doubt to mind. I wasn't ready to reassure someone every day that being with him is what I wanted. As far as I was concerned, agreeing to be in an exclusive relationship should have been enough. But it wasn't. In the end, I realized I didn't want to be with someone who in my opinion wasn't very secure.
The fourth person, ended up being someone I had met years ago. We seemed to be on the same page of our wants and needs as far as dating goes. We had a great time the first date, but after the second date I got a text explaining in length that he wanted to see other people and I wasn't one of them. And to me that was fine. But then he went on to tell me that he knew I had a lot on my plate and he didn't want to make things tougher for me because I was traveling to see him. Thanks for the patronizing, dude.
The fifth person, I met up with and had a beer. I got there first and didn't hesitate to order because I was thirsty. He came inside and ordered himself a drink as well. Midway through the drink, I wasn't feeling any chemistry at all and lost interest pretty quickly. I decided to call it a night after the one drink and he offered to pay. When the server came around, his card was declined and I ended up paying anyway. There were no dates after that.
The last and most recent person, I had decided I was ready to settle down and try something more serious. We talked every day for a week and a half and finally met. We had the most amazing time. It wasn't anything corny like a dream, but it just went really well and I thought that something real was going to come of it. And then out of nowhere... boom. Ghosted.
I did a lot of research on ghosting and tried to rationalize why this person would have done such a thing. It hurt me a freaking lot. Thankfully, I'm secure enough with myself that I never considered myself as the problem; But I worried myself sick over what may have happened to him that he would just stop communicating with me altogether after promising me to my face that he was better than that.
I don't let these experiences discourage me at all. I think people are meant to be in our lives for a reason. To either show us what we want and what makes us happy, or to show us what we don't want. It has shown me a new side of myself that I really didn't know existed. I never dated at all before I met my ex-husband.
If anyone who is reading this happens to be one of my former dates, thank you sincerely. Whether you showed me what I wouldn't put up with, or want in a partner, it's been valuable. I will never consider any of these experiences a mistake.
This has taught me that I deserve so much better than what I have dealt with in the past. It has shown me my value as a person. As a woman, and as a mother. I deserve my own happiness and until someone special comes along, I am happy just having fun and learning so much about myself.
"It is easy to replay in your mind how things did not work, how much you lost, what you are going through, how angry you are. There is no amount of conversation or magic that is going to wipe the slate clean. You are wasting valuable time and energy that could be used to regain a new normal and start another version of your life. Even though you are hurt and you may be feeling down - stop kicking yourself. Face what has happened. Make the decision to start over again."
-Les Brown
Some may gasp at how I could start dating so soon after such heartbreak.
But my heartbreak was an open door.
I have seen people mourning for years over a relationship that was a mere fantasy.
So yeah, I could wallow in self-pity and mourn the marriage that I thought would last forever, or I can have some fun and maybe find something amazing along the way.
Yes, I did a lot of self-discovery and soul searching, but that also means I have made mistakes along the way.
Let me rephrase that.
I've learned a lot of lessons along the way.
Most importantly, I've learned that I'm in charge of my happiness now, and that means I can pick and choose who I date.
But that also means, I can be rejected, too.
Rejection and abandonment are huge issues for a lot of people including myself.
Dating is roulette for anxiety.
I'll go in chronological order from the first person I dated, to the most recent.
The first person I dated was a rebound. I didn't tell anyone I decided to start dating because I wanted to make the judgment call for myself. I didn't want anyone else's opinions on it. I had decided that I was now doing things for myself.
The first date went okay. It was a cheesy first date, dinner and billiards. It was fun, though.
Until about the third date, when he decided all he wanted to do was hang out at his house and watch movies.
I got bored of it and decided that it wasn't what I wanted. I just got out of a seven year relationship. The last thing I wanted to do was settle down in mediocrity.
I sent him a text and told him I didn't want to see him anymore, and he blew up at me.
He called me a nasty person, and talked down on me. A lot.
Thankfully I had already joined CoDA and knew exactly the kind of person I was, and I was so glad that I obviously made the right call in cutting things off early. We were seeing each other for a week and a half and he acted like we had been together for years.
The second person I dated lasted all of two dates. The first one, again, went really well.
The second date, he got so belligerently drunk he decided that he needed to pee on the sidewalk in the middle of downtown Portland. So that made it pretty easy to call off anything further with him.
The third person, I thought I was ready to commit myself to a monogamous relationship, and I was wrong. When I was questioned over and over if I was sure this is what I wanted, it brought a lot of doubt to mind. I wasn't ready to reassure someone every day that being with him is what I wanted. As far as I was concerned, agreeing to be in an exclusive relationship should have been enough. But it wasn't. In the end, I realized I didn't want to be with someone who in my opinion wasn't very secure.
The fourth person, ended up being someone I had met years ago. We seemed to be on the same page of our wants and needs as far as dating goes. We had a great time the first date, but after the second date I got a text explaining in length that he wanted to see other people and I wasn't one of them. And to me that was fine. But then he went on to tell me that he knew I had a lot on my plate and he didn't want to make things tougher for me because I was traveling to see him. Thanks for the patronizing, dude.
The fifth person, I met up with and had a beer. I got there first and didn't hesitate to order because I was thirsty. He came inside and ordered himself a drink as well. Midway through the drink, I wasn't feeling any chemistry at all and lost interest pretty quickly. I decided to call it a night after the one drink and he offered to pay. When the server came around, his card was declined and I ended up paying anyway. There were no dates after that.
The last and most recent person, I had decided I was ready to settle down and try something more serious. We talked every day for a week and a half and finally met. We had the most amazing time. It wasn't anything corny like a dream, but it just went really well and I thought that something real was going to come of it. And then out of nowhere... boom. Ghosted.
I did a lot of research on ghosting and tried to rationalize why this person would have done such a thing. It hurt me a freaking lot. Thankfully, I'm secure enough with myself that I never considered myself as the problem; But I worried myself sick over what may have happened to him that he would just stop communicating with me altogether after promising me to my face that he was better than that.
I don't let these experiences discourage me at all. I think people are meant to be in our lives for a reason. To either show us what we want and what makes us happy, or to show us what we don't want. It has shown me a new side of myself that I really didn't know existed. I never dated at all before I met my ex-husband.
If anyone who is reading this happens to be one of my former dates, thank you sincerely. Whether you showed me what I wouldn't put up with, or want in a partner, it's been valuable. I will never consider any of these experiences a mistake.
This has taught me that I deserve so much better than what I have dealt with in the past. It has shown me my value as a person. As a woman, and as a mother. I deserve my own happiness and until someone special comes along, I am happy just having fun and learning so much about myself.
"It is easy to replay in your mind how things did not work, how much you lost, what you are going through, how angry you are. There is no amount of conversation or magic that is going to wipe the slate clean. You are wasting valuable time and energy that could be used to regain a new normal and start another version of your life. Even though you are hurt and you may be feeling down - stop kicking yourself. Face what has happened. Make the decision to start over again."
-Les Brown
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