Step One: You don't.
If I'm being honest, I lost my sanity the moment I found out I'd become a mother.
As I mentioned in my Introduction post, the more I tried to control the situations at hand, the more I seemed to be losing control.
This has been a pattern in my life for as long as I can remember and I didn't even realize it until my husband left me; because what could I do then to control him then? Absolutely nothing. And it sucked.
My new lease on life is to accept my insanity, and embrace those who accept my insanity, too.
Step Two: Let that shit go.
This has been the most humbling experience in becoming a single mother.
I never quite understood the balance between divorce and parenting until I got thrown into it.
My kids are watching everything I do, and they're so young and innocent.
They don't deserve to be put in the crossfire of my anxiety and indifference towards their father.
My greatest downfall is in not letting things go.
I am a planner. I am a perfectionist.
That's funny, because every time I try to plan something it goes horribly, incredibly wrong.
My new strategy is to let. that. shit. go.
It's taking a lot of practice. A lot of patience. A lot of repeating the serenity prayer while I mop up the bathroom floor of bath water, or put the pictures back in their picture books, or watch in utter pain as the laundry I just folded gets strewn about the room.
I used to take things like this out on my husband (playing the victim, remember?).
I'm now forced to rethink things.
I am forced to be softer.
I am forced to be vulnerable.
In the last year -maybe even two- of my marriage, there was no vulnerability. There was blame. I mistook victimizing for vulnerability, and mistook sex for intimacy.
Step Three: Find a balance.
As I mentioned in my Introduction post, I did a lot of things after my husband left me that I was told were pointless. I had to rediscover myself as one, instead of as a unit. My entire identity had been as a domesticated housewife for the last two years and it was like escaping a prison camp to be quite frank. I didn't feel held back. I did some deep soul searching and man did I discover some things about myself - some good, some not so good.
I was able to get out and find experiences and make beautiful memories not only with other people but with myself and I didn't care what anyone else said because I was doing it for me.
In my marriage I felt as though I bent over backwards and nothing was ever enough, although I know he felt the same towards me.
I lost my identity of self in being a stay at home wife and mother. I always asked to go out, to have "me" time, or even to have "us" time and I never achieved a mental balance because despite his hardest efforts of buying me little gifts or doing the dishes, my needs were never met.
After I completely fell apart -literally fell to the ground wailing and sobbing uncontrollably for hours, unable to eat for days- I put myself back together the way I wanted to be after realizing how destroyed I was from the inside out.
I went on hikes, sometimes with people, sometimes by myself. I let loose. I made mistakes. I fell back into old habits. And then I kicked myself and picked back up again.
As much as this process has sucked, it has ultimately made me a better person. A better mother. A better human.
Nothing has been more empowering than realizing that I have the key to my own happiness; and if I have the power to make such an impression on my kids, I have the whole world in my hands.
"Accept every person and situation for what it is,
instead of trying to manipulate it into what
you think it needs to be."
-Author Unknown
If I'm being honest, I lost my sanity the moment I found out I'd become a mother.
As I mentioned in my Introduction post, the more I tried to control the situations at hand, the more I seemed to be losing control.
This has been a pattern in my life for as long as I can remember and I didn't even realize it until my husband left me; because what could I do then to control him then? Absolutely nothing. And it sucked.
My new lease on life is to accept my insanity, and embrace those who accept my insanity, too.
Step Two: Let that shit go.
This has been the most humbling experience in becoming a single mother.
I never quite understood the balance between divorce and parenting until I got thrown into it.
My kids are watching everything I do, and they're so young and innocent.
They don't deserve to be put in the crossfire of my anxiety and indifference towards their father.
My greatest downfall is in not letting things go.
I am a planner. I am a perfectionist.
That's funny, because every time I try to plan something it goes horribly, incredibly wrong.
My new strategy is to let. that. shit. go.
It's taking a lot of practice. A lot of patience. A lot of repeating the serenity prayer while I mop up the bathroom floor of bath water, or put the pictures back in their picture books, or watch in utter pain as the laundry I just folded gets strewn about the room.
I used to take things like this out on my husband (playing the victim, remember?).
I'm now forced to rethink things.
I am forced to be softer.
I am forced to be vulnerable.
In the last year -maybe even two- of my marriage, there was no vulnerability. There was blame. I mistook victimizing for vulnerability, and mistook sex for intimacy.
Step Three: Find a balance.
As I mentioned in my Introduction post, I did a lot of things after my husband left me that I was told were pointless. I had to rediscover myself as one, instead of as a unit. My entire identity had been as a domesticated housewife for the last two years and it was like escaping a prison camp to be quite frank. I didn't feel held back. I did some deep soul searching and man did I discover some things about myself - some good, some not so good.
I was able to get out and find experiences and make beautiful memories not only with other people but with myself and I didn't care what anyone else said because I was doing it for me.
In my marriage I felt as though I bent over backwards and nothing was ever enough, although I know he felt the same towards me.
I lost my identity of self in being a stay at home wife and mother. I always asked to go out, to have "me" time, or even to have "us" time and I never achieved a mental balance because despite his hardest efforts of buying me little gifts or doing the dishes, my needs were never met.
After I completely fell apart -literally fell to the ground wailing and sobbing uncontrollably for hours, unable to eat for days- I put myself back together the way I wanted to be after realizing how destroyed I was from the inside out.
I went on hikes, sometimes with people, sometimes by myself. I let loose. I made mistakes. I fell back into old habits. And then I kicked myself and picked back up again.
As much as this process has sucked, it has ultimately made me a better person. A better mother. A better human.
Nothing has been more empowering than realizing that I have the key to my own happiness; and if I have the power to make such an impression on my kids, I have the whole world in my hands.
"Accept every person and situation for what it is,
instead of trying to manipulate it into what
you think it needs to be."
-Author Unknown
Comments
Post a Comment